Fanon:P-dog's Date

"Have fun!" called P-dog's father. P-dog waved goodbye and went out the front door. His father had dressed him nicely for his date with Lauren.

"What was the address again?" P-dog muttered to himself. Just as he was about to open his texts and check, he remembered the address: 690 Benchwick Drive. P-dog hopped on his bicycle and headed towards Lauren's neighborhood. Girls walking on the sidewalk swooned at the sight of P-dog's biceps furiously pedaling the bike. One of them fell on the road and was crushed by a food delivery truck.

About ten minutes later, P-dog reached the address 690 Benchwick Drive. He rang the doorbell three times before the door opened.

"May I help you?" asked a tall, muscular man who answered the door. His clothes had sauce stains everywhere, and he reeked of dirty socks.

"Yes, I'm here to pick of Lauren for our date," responded P-dog confidently. The man gave him a confused look.

"Alright, buddy." The man turned around. "Mom! Someone's here for you!" P-dog was suddenly petrified by intense shock. He frantically extracted his phone from his pocket and opened his text messages. Hey, P-dog! My address is 960 Benchwick Drive. ♥ "Oh, no!" P-dog yelled. The tall man gave him another bewildered look. P-dog turned around to leave, but the voice of an old woman stopped him in his tracks.

"Goodness, me! I keep forgetting everything! I must have forgotten I had a date!" exclaimed the old woman. "What's your name again, handsome?" P-dog's body violently shuddered as the old woman gave him a wet kiss on the cheek. He wanted to run away, but the muscular man was still watching him like a hawk.

"I'm, uh... P-dog."

"Hm, that name does not sound familiar. Oh, well, it's probably my aging brain. Hold on, I need my purse." The old woman went back into her house; however, the man stayed.

"Kid, shouldn't you be dating other kids?" he asked. P-dog gulped as salty sweat dripped down his blushed face. Suddenly, the telephone inside rang. Just as the man turned around to pick it up, P-dog bolted away from the house. He got on his bike and pedaled away rapidly. P-dog didn't look back until he reached the correct address.

"You're late," hissed Lauren as she opened the door. "Why are you sweating so much? You look traumatized."

"I was working out, and I lost track of time," P-dog lied. "I'm so sorry that I'm late."

"It's fine, cutie," giggled Lauren. She skipped out of her house and toward the driveway. "I called an Uber to drive us to the restaurant, let's go!" Lauren snatched P-dog's sweaty hand. A blue car was waiting there, and it drove them to the restaurant.

"I have a reservation for two people," said Lauren. The waiter took them to a nice table.

"I'll just have a water," Lauren ordered. P-dog asked for the same beverage. "So, what do you do for fun?" P-dog had flashbacks to the five hours a day he spent editing the Big Nate Comments Wiki.

"Soccer," P-dog muttered nervously.

"Cool, I love soccer! We should kick the ball around after dinner!" The waiter came back with two glasses of ice water.

"I'll have the Caesar Salad, please," said Lauren.

"I'll have the 16 oz. New York Strip steak with a double side of mashed potatoes with extra gravy," ordered P-dog. Lauren gave him a weird look. "Don't worry, I'm paying."

"You eat a lot for such a skinny kid," laughed Lauren. "Anyways, so I always see you on the computer during lunch. What do you do on there?" P-dog chuckled nervously.

"Uh, I just read comics," he lied. "What do you and your friends talk about?" asked P-dog, trying to change the subject.

"Oh, you know, girl stuff. How are you already finished eating?" Lauren laughed at the sight of P-dog stuffing his face with potatoes.

"I'm just a—" P-dog started. He tried to continue talking, but gas was rapidly rising up his windhole. Suddenly, P-dog burped thunderously. It was so powerful that salad flew into Lauren's face. "I am so sorry!" P-dog picked up Lauren's jacket and used it to wipe her face.

"Stop it, P-dog!" she cried. "Everyone's staring at us!" P-dog turned around and discovered that everyone was, in fact, staring at him and Lauren. P-dog chuckled nervously again.

"Sorry," he whispered.

"It's fine," whispered Lauren as she rolled her eyes. "Let's pay and leave; I'm full." P-dog reached into his pocket, but he found nothing but his cell phone.

"Where's my wallet?!" he hissed at himself. He searched through his jacket pockets, but the wallet was nowhere to be found. "Hey, I'm going to use the restroom." P-dog nervously ran into the bathroom and took out his phone; he dialed his dad. "Dad, I left my wallet at home. Could you drop it off in front of the steakhouse? Please, be quick!" He walked back and forth in the bathroom anxiously. Suddenly, he heard knocking on the door.

"P-dog, are you okay? You've been in there for five minutes now!" P-dog didn't think twice before moaning loudly. He dropped his shoe in the toilet to imitate the sound of poop.

"I have diarrhea from the steak that I ate, could you wait for me?"

"Yes, of course. I hope you feel better." P-dog sighed in relief. He took his shoe out of the toilet and drained it in the sink. After if dried, P-dog took out his phone and checked his notifications. I'm here, P-dog. Come out and get the wallet. P-dog grinned and put on his drying shoe. He unlocked the door, but as he bolted out, he ran face-first into Lauren. His skull had hit Lauren's nose, which made it bleed.

"Watch it, P-dog!" she screamed. P-dog ran back into the bathroom to get tissues. He handed them to Lauren, who already had blood stains on her shirt.

"I'm going to pay the bill," said P-dog. Without waiting for a response, he bolted out the restaurant doors; his dad was waiting in the parking lot.

"What took you so long?" asked P-dog's dad as he handed him the wallet. P-dog ignored him and raced back inside. He paid the dinner bill and went back to Lauren.

"Let's go, P-dog. Now, I'm really going to destroy you in soccer." They both laughed. "Hey, what's your dad doing here?" P-dog was once again filled with shock.

"Need a ride?" asked P-dog's dad. P-dog gave his father a nasty look, which he ignored.

"Thank you," said Lauren. "I really appreciate the ride; can you take us to the park?"

"Of course, anytime. Wait, what happened to your nose? It's all swollen."

"My sister hit me," Lauren lied. She held P-dog's hand in the backseat of the car. The rest of the ride to the park was silent.

"Do you have a ball, P-dog?" asked Lauren. For once, P-dog was prepared. He took a soccer ball out of his dad's trunk.

"Bye, P-dog!" called his father as he drove into the darkness. P-dog and Lauren ran onto the soccer field and they chose sides.

"Alright, P-dog. Let's see what you've got!" Lauren began dribbling the ball toward P-dog.. She kicked it as hard as she could toward the goal, but P-dog effortlessly blocked it. Then, he flexed his gargantuous calves and kicked the ball as hard as he could towards Lauren.

The ball kicked by P-dog broke the sound barrier; Lauren didn't stand a chance. The ball hit her on the head, killing her instantly. The ball rolled off her head and into the goal post.

"GOAL!" shouted P-dog as he started to dance. "Wait, Lauren?" P-dog noticed Lauren's limp body lying on the grass. "LAUREN!" P-dog ran over to her. He took her pulse, but there was none. He had killed Lauren.

The end.