Profile: Gollum

Gollum is a GoComics user that has been on the site since 2015. He is known to be very vocal about his opinions and sarcastic. He used to read Big Nate but it declined in quality so much that he only reads it to comment on the strip.

Early Life
Gollum enjoyed newspaper comics a lot. He read Garfield and Calvin and Hobbes for a while until he realised that no, he was not living in a time loop, Garfield is just repetitive as hell. He once read every Calvin and Hobbes strip syndicated when he was sick. Yes guys, it's a marvelous little invention called "the PDF". He came across Big Nate when he was 11 years old and loved it. He made a GoComics account the following year.

After a while of posting drivel like, "First", "Lincoln Peirce, you're the greatest cartoonist ever", "It's my birthday" he finally came to his senses when he was about 13.

Not only was Big Nate going down the toilet but so was the comment section. He had to do something.

The Poll War
Gollum fought in many battles in The Poll War to ensure that Mrs. Godfrey stop spamming the comment section with unrelated polls. Trapper Clicker opened a wiki for the comment section in the midst of this. Smartly named "The Big Nate Comment Section Wiki" this was Gollum's big break.

He wrote an article called "The Poll War (From War Correspondent Gollum)". It was a surprise hit and a lot of people found it funny.

Self esteem boosted +50%.

He did a couple revisions along the way (because Mrs. Godfrey vandalized the page) but his job was done."Now to start moving traffic to my site tydavidsonblog.wordpress.com" he said.

At one point, the Poll War article was the most visited on the wiki, with over a hundred comments. Times were good.

Interwar Months
Gollum was happy writing his blog to like, the three people that read it and hadn't even thought of the Big Nate comment section. One day, he got a comment on his blog from the noble commenter BiggerNate91, who told him that the comment section was in jeopardy again and that he made some edits to the Poll War article.

Great edits by the way man.

He stayed on the wiki and sussed out the situation. He didn't go to the comment section till the first of December where he was welcomed back by some of the old commenters.

"Home at last," he said.

Poll War II
There was a second poll war, but like America in World War 1, Gollum stayed the hell out of the fight until the very end to take credit for everything at the end when the enemy was already badly beaten.

No offense to any Americans though.

He stayed mainly on the wiki guarding the articles and trolling MartySays. Then he thought that he should reinforce his brothers and sisters (some of you are girls right?) on the Big Nate front. He did so.

The outcome of Poll War II is yet to be known.

Trolling MartySays
Gollum loves trolling, really, he does, HE EATS IT UP. The Poll War article is already subliminal trolling but the main trolling came when a user named Ken Suzorii (apparently MartySays) deleted his article about Big Nate parodies for his website and told him to talk about the comment section. Dude! Of all people to talk about off topic stuff!

Gollum replied in typical Gollum-like fashion and wrote a long answer stating that Ken should have told him before deleting the article and it's not like he was advertising anything THAT off topic like, Gollum's Hot Dogs or something.

And so it began.

He wrote a mock article advertising Gollum's organic hot dogs with a link to order at his website.

He trolled MartySays some more in the comments of the wiki by using logic, reason and some foul language. It was fun, but it got hard after a while. MartySays seemed to be immune to any trolling and it was worrying. What could Gollum do? He decided to puss out and boycott the wiki. he wrote a Lorax thing for MartySays (after insulting him in multiple languages including Russian, Chinese, German, Japanese and Arabic).

This was not the way to go out was it? It would mean that MartySays had won, which is the exact opposite of what he wanted! What to do? What to do...

What are MartySays weaknesses?

His ego.

The guy has an ego bigger than a twelve story apartment and it gave Gollum an idea.

A mischievous and wicked idea.

He made a joke account pretending to be MartySays, complete with a fake bio and everything. The bio read:

"Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Polls are love!"

"Polls are life!" "Watch out moronic simpletons, MartySays is here! With my superior intellect and unbiased views, I will save the Big Nate Comment Section! And I won't let that charlatan Gollum tell me any different!""Simpering gnats!"-Gollum, pretending to be MartySays

The term simpering gnats is a reference to a 60's Fantastic Four villain named Mole Man.

In the "where I live" part of the bio, Gollum put in "a remote volcano lair with a self destruct button" referencing Blofeld in the James Bond franchise.

He also put MartySays name as Marty "Incredible Super Genius" Says.

"People will totally understand this is just a big joke and it's obviously Gollum!" said an all too expecting Gollum. "What could possibly go wrong?"

Temporary Banishment
Everything.

Everything could go wrong, past Gollum. Apparently I was too trusting of my Big Nate Comment Section comrades and thought that they could get the joke.

Except BiggerNate91.

I'm not even religious but God bless him. He was the only one that got the joke! He said

"No, the one called MartySays is actually Gollum playing a joke."

-BiggerNate91 Gollum enjoyed the reactions from the real MartySays (one was "Someone ban this noob, he's not me.")

Ha!

Like we're going to pander to you, MartySays! What the hell BiggerNate91, I thought you were cool.

Moving past that, Gollum had a generally good time. He was so high from the trolling that he couldn't concentrate on the movie he watched that day. It was Murder On The Orient Express for the record. It was okay, not great. Oh and spoiler alert, it's the dog that kills Johnny Depp.



His high was ruined when he returned home and saw that he couldn't comment. Even as Gollum! What happened? It turns out he was banned by Trapper Clicker for vandalism.

"This must have been a misunderstanding!" he thought. "It was so obviously a joke! All I did was comment stupid stuff pretending to be MartySays!"

Nah.

It turns out that Trapper Clicker was tipped off by a user named Positive Elixir Trade.

So why the heck did-

Wait.

It all makes sense now.

Positive Elixir Trade accidentally thought I was serious when I pretended to be MartySays as a joke.

"'Polls are LOVE! Polls are LIFE!'"

HOLY CRAP IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

Positive Elixir thought that I, Gollum was MartySays all along!

Gollum switched wifis and logged into his Gollum account. He wrote to Trapper Clicker and got him to unban him. Damn it! He had to tell him on his message wall that he was the joke MartySays and the real one was using a public "FANDOM user" account.

God! Gollum must be an excellent writer.

Self esteem boosted +20%

Then his secret was out. No more jokes now because everyone knew.

Gollum went over to the Big Nate comment section.

Oh God.

Gollum face palmed so hard that he was hospitalized for a few hours. No way were people that oblivious. No way. But apparently they were! God :(

He had to set the record straight: Gollum is the joke MartySays, not the real one.

Some guys thought it was a good joke :0

But it continued. It turns out that Positive Elixir Trade was a bit slow. And hey hey hey, I've got the perfect song for that!

Gollum was the joke MartySays. You're the one that caused this whole freaking kerfuffle and prompted the identity reveal! Jeez Louise.

At least everything is cleared up now.

Relationship with Hev1
Gollum has a semi-antagonistic relationship with Hev1, meaning he doesn't really like him. Hev1 is known to make comments about obvious things in the comments and that really grinds Gollum's gears. How does one guy get featured comment and tons of likes for stating the obvious?

It makes no sense to Gollum.

This distaste for Hev1 began on December 12th, 2017 when Gollum made a thought out comment thinking about Nate's future."Years from now, as he’s being lead out of court, on trial and found guilty of murder, the reporters will ask this psychopath: “When did it start Nate?” to which Nate would reply: “Well it happened a while ago. When I was in middle school, I wanted to give my social studies teacher a heart attack. Then began the homicidal dreams. I knew one day I’d get even with her. One day…” Breaking Bad theme plays"-Gollum, December 12th, 2017.

He recieved 8 likes.

Hev1 on the other hand, recieved 22 likes and featured comment for this work of art:"Nate is heartless"-Hev1, December 12th, 2017. Just as Gollum was about to break out the noose, he got an idea. He decided it would be funny to make fun of Hev1's commenting style and get them sweet likes. Because people love subtle comedy, right?

No.

At least not in the Big Nate comment section.

Ugh."I love this strip! It is such high-level humour. The line “Oh how I detest her” while not only being a change from Nate’s usual “Oh how I hate her” it also is in itself a cryptic reference to the book, Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky written in 1886.""To the line: “Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”""This explains the whole underlying subtext of Big Nate. He’s just a misunderstood genius and his plans are always thwarted by a evil stone hearted villain. I had no idea that Lincoln Peirce was a fan of Russian literature but o-ho I stand corrected! He is truly a modern genius. His works mention the concept that Dostoyevsky explained, the Dunning-Krueger effect, schadenfreude, and many more. This is all a part of my essay on Big Nate that you can read at a wonderful website called tydavidsonblog.wordpress.com"-Gollum, December 13th, 2017.

Okay maybe it wasn't that subtle now that I think about it but it was funny!

Right guys?

* cough cough*

Moving on, Gollum received 3 likes while Hev1 recieved 13 likes and featured comment. For like the fifteenth day in a row, I'm not even joking."Teachers also start to develop a shield from all the idiocy and arguments that occur in their classrooms after they teach for long enough. This enables them to not get angry extremely easily. Nate must be helping Mrs. Godfrey develop this shield even more with all of his frivolous ideas and plans."-Hev1, December 13th, 2017.

Then, on December 15th, 2017 Gollum won. A little bit. "How to make a Hev1 comment: Step 1: Notice the most obvious thing about the strip.""Step 2: Type a paragraph about the obvious thing.""Step 3: Sprinkle in mature words like “frivolous” and “assessing” that the average Big Nate commenter would not know.""Step 4: Mention something high concept about psychology and life.""Step : Post comment. Step 6: Get them sweet likes and featured comment."-Gollum, December 15th, 2017.

People liked the comment and that day Hev1 got only 14 likes (+ featured comment) for writing this:"'As soon as Nate sees a supply teacher, he starts assessing him/her. If he/she is nice (which is most of the time), then he gets relaxed and does whatever he wants. Nate likes these supply teachers because he doesn’t have to do much in class and he doesn’t need to obey class rules (he can even bend them a lot). If he/she is mean or strict (usually that’s Coach John), he gets his act together and becomes really tense. What Nate doesn’t realize though, is that strict teachers are better as they will actually teach him the lesson and help him develop various critical learning skills instead of not really paying attention.'"-Hev1, December 15th, 2017.

lol what? What does that even mean? I mean he's treating Nate like he's real when he's not! Get a grip man!

Santa is not real

The Easter Bunny doesn't exist

The Tooth Fairy is bogus

NATE WRIGHT IS A COMIC STRIP CHARACTER WRITTEN BY LINCOLN PEIRCE TO ACT LIKE A JERK

I am sorry Hev1 but that's the truth. And I'm sorry to any children reading this too.

Gollum got attacked soon by some of Hev1's fanboys and cult followers so he played it cool and apologised.

Speaking of which, Hev1, are you familiar with the concept of the cult of personality? Because I think a person of your stature should understand it.



Many people have been dubbing the event "The Hev1 War". Gollum finds it ludicrous. It's more of a cold war to be honest.

At this point it's died down a bit and Gollum has learnt to accept Hev1 for who he is.

Things Gollum Likes
Gollum is very interested in writing, World War 1 and 2 and satire. Satire is his home base, it's been with him his whole life. A lot f his writings (including The Poll War article) are satirical at heart. Here is a list of random things that Gollum likes: The list goes on and on, but that's all the time we have today folks! Catch you next time I make an edit! Ciao!
 * Writing
 * Satire
 * World War 1 and 2
 * Painting plastic soldiers
 * Battlefield 1
 * Girls
 * Stranger Things
 * Calvin and Hobbes
 * The Far Side
 * Movies (good ones)
 * Saving Private Ryan
 * Girls
 * Comics
 * Superheroes
 * Bon Scott era AC/DC
 * Writing superhero satires with WW1 and 2 references in them +triple points
 * Trolling
 * Frank Sinatra
 * Gas Masks
 * The Who
 * Star Wars
 * The Kinks
 * Adding stuff to the Comment Section Wiki
 * Danke Schoen by Wayne Newton
 * East coast girls
 * Southern girls
 * Midwest farmer's daughters
 * Northern girls
 * California girls
 * Memes
 * Hearts of Iron IV
 * National Anthem Of The USSR trap remix
 * History
 * Dan Carlin Podcasts
 * Girls
 * Soundtracks
 * Daisy Ridley's gorgeous face
 * Music from 1950 - 1989
 * Brazillian Jiu Jitsu
 * Writing his journal
 * Cycling
 * Writing stupid lists