Fanon:Destined For Greatness (Fanfic, Part 1)

THIS IS AN WORK IN PROGRESS

(warning: contains swearing)


 * Nate's POV: Blue
 * Sharon's POV: Yellow
 * Gina's POV: pink
 * Francis's POV: Green
 * Teddy's POV: Red
 * Godfrey's POV: purple

Part 1
She could have called on anybody else.

There were twenty-two other students in the class, and they had their hands in the air, Teddy, Francis, Dee Dee, Sheila, Gina (of course), Sharon, even Nick Blonksky (who's usually picks his nose) had his hand raised in the air, she could have called on one of them, right?

Well, take a wild fucking guess on who she calls on.

Mrs. Clara Godfrey: NATE!

SHE ALWAYS DOES THIS! She calls on me even when i dont know the answer, and she can even tell i dont know it, She's like a big, ugly, fat, nasty, rabid dog.

''I sit straight up in my seat and try to focus on what Mrs. Godfrey said. my ears and cheeks start to burn and I'm starting to sweat.''

Nate: Umm (cough), Mrs. Godfrey, what was the question again?

Great, I can feel the entire class looking at me.

Ms. Godfrey steps away from the chalkboard, and then she starts to march towards me with the most sadistic expression on her face, I can see that her face is flushed and tiny flecks of spittle on the corner of her mouth, I brace myself.....

''And then i hear the bell ringing, In fact, it keeps ringing, but it doesn't sound like the school bell. it sounds more like an alarm clock, MY alarm clock.''

''I then wake up, and notice i'm in my bedroom and in my pajamas, I was dreaming! I let out a huge sigh of relief, and then I shut the alarm clock off, and go back to sleep.''

Nate: ZZZZZZZZZZ

But I only get around 20 seconds of sleep before my dad walks in my room and yanks the goddamn sheets outta my bed.

Martin Wright: Nate, it's time to get up and go to school.

''Hey, thanks a lot, asshole. Way to break it to me gently. Nice parenting.''

''Actually, he's fairly decent at his parenting skills (he makes tuna casserole that smells and tastes like piss and he ends up getting our house egged at Halloween because of his sucktastic choices for halloween candy), but he's rather tame compared to the aggressive soccer dads i've seen at Little League games. It's just that Dad's kind of really dumb. He has no idea what it's like to be in my shoes.''

(He also incapable of relating to ANYBODY under the age of 30 because he's bald)

''How long has it been since he's been in school-30 or 45 years? I think he's forgotten what its' like to be in a building that smells like a combination of monkey shit, ammonia, mystery meat and chalk dust. He cant remember what it's like to be an average seventh grader.''

''Not like I'm an average 7th Grader. Okay, I'll admit that i'm not exactly like Joe Honor Roll, But answer me this: When I get out in to the real world, is anybody gonna give two shits whenever not I know who was Warren G. Harding's vice president? (And dont even pretend you know who the fuck it was, because you dont) The point is, I want to use my talents for more than just memorizing useless shit. I'm meant for bigger and better things. I'm....''

DESTINED

FOR

GREATNESS

''I'm still not 100% sure what KIND of greatness I'm destined for, but i'll figure it out when I get older. I've got plenty of options. I keep a list in my closet door about this very subject.''

''There's also shit I definitely WON'T achieve greatness in, like opera, synchronized swimming, being friends with wimps like Ronnie Dwyer and Sharon Brooks, ice-skating, and cat grooming. Nuff said. ''

''Let's get back to the truly unfortunate fact that today's a school day. BUT WHAT KIND?! You know, not all school days are ranked equal. You can rank them by category. I also spent an entire week ranking snacks and music (For snacks, Cheez Doodles are at the top while rice cakes are at the bottom, for music, Hard Rock is at the top, while K-Pop is at the bottom).''

If I were to grade the different kinds of school days report-card style, Here's how they would go:

A+: FIELD TRIP DAYS

''I'm not talking about those lame-ass field trips (the kind where the teacher makes you walk around the neighborhood you live in on Earth Day picking up trash), But those all-day-get-on-a-bus-and-go-somewhere-fun field trips. Even if they give you a worksheet in the hope you might have to learn something, you can come up with an excuse not to do it. That's what I did last year when we went to the aquarium.''

(DRAMATIC FLASHBACK)

Nate: Mr. Galvin, a walrus ate my homework.

B: SPECIAL EVENT DAYS

This is when classroom time gets eaten up by something much better, like a movie (Movies such as Terminator 2: Judgement Day  or  Napoleon Dynamite but not like Titanic and/or Twilight'', those movies suck balls) or an assembly. Or better yet, some sort of emergency. Last spring, Mrs. Czerwicki's wig suddenly burst into flames and set off the smoke alarm in the faculty lounge. We got to evacuate the building and ended up playing Ultimate Frisbee and soccer on the lawn for two hours, even though we got detention for 2 days, it was so worth it.''

C-: SUBSTITUTE TEACHER DAYS

''I think everyone can agree when I say that substitute teachers are almost better than the real teachers. By "better", I mean "total dumbasses and more clueless". The absolute best subs are the ones who just graduated college and never taught a second in their entire lives. Frankly, they're extremely dumb, or just plain gullible.''

D: NORMAL DAYS

''Unfortunately, most days are this: You spend six(in some schools its seven)-and-a-half action packed hours studying subjects like photosynthesis, World War II, reproduction, geometry, dark energy, and the War of 1812. Thrilling. You get home after school and your parents are like:''

Hypothetical Marty: How was school today?

You think about it for at least 7 seconds and say:

Hypothetical Nate: I don't have the slightest fucking idea.

F-: ABSOLUTE TRAIN WRECKS

There are so many things that can go wrong in a school day that it's damn-near impossible to list them all, you can get screamed at a teacher (usually Mrs. Godfrey) for absolutely no fucking reason (which happens to me a lot), you could get your ass beaten by Chester Budrick (the student who's 6'7 and weighs 263 lbs and has severe anger problems), or your teacher could nail you with a test you never saw coming....

''Now that's an terrifying thought, do we have a test today? I have no memory of any of my teachers mentioning a test yesterday. Which doesnt mean jack shit because I lose interest the moment when they say "Settle down, class." ("Settle down, class", in teacher speak means "let the fucking boredom consume you).''

It's times like these I wish I paid better attention to teachers just like my best friend, Francis Pope.

''Francis! YES! He'll know if we will or won't have a test today!''

''Here's the thing about Francis, he knows almost everything, he also carries his "Book of Facts" with him all the time, He takes school really seriously. He's a geek, but I'm allowed to call him that because we're best friends (we became friends in kindergarden after i clonked him on the head with my Thomas The Tank Engine because he was snoring too loudly).''

Let me see if he's up yet.

(Nate puts on binoculars to see if Francis is awake yet, and he's reading a book)

''He's up alright, and he's reading a book-Wait a minute, he's reading his SOCIAL STUDIES TEXT

THAT MEANS WE'RE GONNA HAVE A TEST TODAY!

''This is REALLY BAD. First thing, my social studies textbook is in my locker. Second thing, I got a D- on my last test, and Mrs. Godfrey said if i did that poorly again, I'll probably have to go to summer school.''

We have social studies first period and I HAVE FOURTY FIVE FUCKING SECONDS TO LOOK FOR MY CLASS NOTES! 

(Nate freaks out and looks for his class notes)

Nate'': CLASS NOTES! WHERE ARE MY FUCKING CLASS NOTES!?!''

(Nate finds his class notes, but finds out he scribbled on them with doodles such as of him as Ultra Nate and also playing the drums, and also Mrs. Godfrey as a godzilla type-creature, and other things)

''Well, it looks like my class-notes are going to be ABSOLUTELY NO HELP for me. Not unless Mrs. Godfrey gives us extra-credit for doodling. ''

I'm so screwed.

Part 2 (Nate's POV)
Have you ever noticed that people tell you "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day" right before they shove a fucking bowl of lumpy oatmeal in your face?

Marty (while putting an bowl of oatmeal in front of Nate): Eat hearty!

Nate: (For the love of god, PLEASE let those lumps be raisins.)

I'm too scared shitless about the social studies test that'll land my ass in detention to listen to Dad's ramblings about how a high-fiber diet changed his life.

''Summer. School.''

Talk about two words that DO NOT go together, just like "Oat" and "Meal".

''I have no fucking idea what summer school even is. Francis thinks it's like school, only hotter. But Sharon thinks that it's just like school but in one class.''

''But people like Dee Dee and Ted say that in summer school, the teachers make you work your ass off. And they're not talking about worksheets or chapter reviews. It's more like scraping chewing gum of desks, washing the floor with your clothes, or scrubbing the toilets in the boys locker room with toothbrushes (which I hope it isn't true, because those toilets are disgusting), it's pretty fucking awful.''

The only kid I know who's ever gone to summer school is Chester Budrick, I could ask him what it's like but the last time I tried to ask him for something, he shoved me into a garbage can, motherfucker is kind of a psycho.

''Whatever. The point is, summer school cannot be good. I can't think of anything nastier.''

Suddenly, right on cue....IN WALKS ELLEN.

(Ellen walks in, notices the oatmeal, and asks Nate to get out her seat, which he does so)

''Okay, I can think of SOMEONE far worse than summer school, and that's my older sister, Ellen. Summer school only lasts eight weeks, an 16 year old sister lasts until she turns 17, which is even worse.''

Sisters don't need to be obnoxious, they're all just born that way.

If anyone has had a sister, then you can feel my pain, if not though, then welcome to my nightmare.

Here is only FIVE of the most annoying facts about her.

5: She's constantly begging Dad for her to buy a cat (I have ailurophobia, which is the fear of cats).

4: she wears perfume that makes her smell like a dead skunk.

3: She got a karaoke machine on her twelth birthday, and she's STILL hasn't outgrown it.

2: Her haircare products are accelerating the process of climate change.

Hypothetical Ellen: Who gives two shits about global warming?

1: Nobody, and i mean NOBODY except me realizes how obnoxious she truly is.

Hypothetical clueless woman: Ellen, you truly are wonderful!

Hypothetical Ellen: Yes, I know!

You know what else about Ellen that pisses me off? She doesn't have to worry about summer school because she's always been a good student. Which Mrs. Godfrey reminds me every day

(DRAMATIC FLASHBACK)

Mrs. Godfrey: Why can't you be like your sister?

Right, like that's gonna be my role in life, being a total high school cheerleader, thanks, but no thanks, you fat bitch.

Huh? Oh, great. Dad's talking again.

Note to self: Add "she doesn't shut the fuck up to list of annoying things about Ellen.

Marty: Nate? what's going on for you?

Hm. I dont think Dad's believing me one bit, he's giving me the look.

THE LOOK: Level 1 of Dad's suspicion meter, it means you're not being 100% honest with him.

THE SQUINT: Dad's way of saying "You've gotta be shitting me.".

THE HAIRY EYEBALL: When Dad does this, better stand your distance, he will go ballistic.

Dad's only at Level One at the moment, but I know where the conversation is gonna go, so better get the fuck going so I can avoid more questions.

(Nate bolts out of the room and out of the house and straight for P.S. 38 with his backpack in his right hand )

Whew! That was so close. Dad has no damn idea of knowing that I could end up in summer school.

Not unless he's secretly having conversations with Mrs. Godfrey in the middle of the night.

Ew, I've gotta think about something else-

(Nate trips over Spitsy, Mr. Eustis's dog who wears a cone on his head)

''Nice place for a nap, Spitsy. Shouldn't you be chasing squirrels or something?''

''Spitsy belongs to my other neighbor, Mr. Eustis, who lives next door. And, in case the ridiculous looking dog sweater and the Cone of Shame didn't tip you off, Spitsy is the ultimate dog nerd. He eats his own shit, he's afraid of mailmen, he has a crush on Pickles (Francis's cat), he prefers to play poker instead of taking walks, and for the love of god, PLEASE do not try throw him a tennis ball. I did that once and he ended up getting indigestion and had to get his stomach pumped (it's a long story).''

''But I dont want to rag on Spitsy. He's a dog after all, and all dogs are cool in my book (except for those chihuahuas and wolves)''

Nate (talking to Spitsy): It must nice to be you, Spitsy. You get to hang out all day, sleeping in the sun. You don't have to worry about Hairy Eyeballs. Or big sisters. Or teachers. And you especially don't have to worry about taking a social studies test.

''Waitaminute! Maybe I DONT have to worry about the test either!''

What if I can get out of it?

''What if I can convice Mrs. Godfrey to make me take the test tomorrow instead of today? Then I'll borrow Francis's class notes and prepare myself for the test, That'll give me me a CHANCE to try to pass the stinkin' thing!''

Nate: How does this sound, Spitsy? You'll help me think of something, right?

Spitsy: Wurf!

''See? this is why dogs are far superior to cats, as cats lie on their asses, scratching the furniture and licking themselves.''

''Okay, brainstorming time. How can I get out of doing this test? It's easy thinking up with a plan, but when ever I do come up with one, I think of a reason why it wont work.''

Plan A: ILLNESS

As soon as the test starts, I hold my breath until my face turns red and then I tell Mrs. Godfrey that I feel really, really sick.

WHY IT WONT WORK:

She keeps a thermometer in her desk.

Plan B: INJURY

I wrap my hand in bandages and then tell her I can't write because I fractured my wrist.

WHY IT WONT WORK:

''She'll make me take the test left-handed. Yep, she's that much of a heartless bitch.''

PLAN C: TRAGIC ACCIDENT

I pretend to hit my head against the door on the way to the classroom, then act that i've got amnesia.

Hypothetical Nate (pretending to be dizzy):My mind, i-it has gone BLANK!

Hypothetical Mrs. Godfrey: (you have to be fucking kidding me.)

WHY IT WONT WORK:

I tried that one back in September.

Plan D: THE TRUTH

I walk up to Mrs. Godfrey, look her in the eyes and tell her that:

Nate: I didn't know there was gonna be a test today.

WHY IT WONT WORK:

That woman hates my ass.

''Crap. This is getting me absolutely fucking nowhere. I've only got twenty-eight minutes until the test, twenty-eight minutes until Mrs. Godfrey brings down the summer school hammer down onto me.''

(Nate glances down at his watch)

''Now it's twenty-SEVEN minutes now. Yikes.''

It's beginning to look like the only way to avoid this damn test is....is....

Nate starts thinking about it, while Spitsy takes a nap behind him, and Nate gets an idea)

...is to skip school altogether!

(Nate starts running towards the woods)

''Yes! that's it! I'll skip school, I'll take the day off! I'll pretend somebody just invented a brand new holliday! I'll....I'll....''

(Nate stops in his tracks)

I'll stop right here.

''What the hell am I DOING? Nobody gets away skipping school at P.S. 38. It's impossible!''

''Why? Why is it impossible to skip school, you ask? I'll tell you why with two words.''

"THE MACHINE".

Not a real machine, like that thing that the janitor uses to buff up the floors, The Machine isn't something you can see, hear, smell, or touch, but it's there.

''It watches you. It knows every. Single. Move. You. Make.''

''And if you're not where you're supposed to be (at school), it will track you down. Here's how:''

1: THE SEATING CHART

''Teachers always tell you where to sit. They claim that it helps them to "remember our names". Right. Like they give a damn about what our names are.''

''They really do it to keep tabs on you. One look at the chart and they know right away if you're ass is not sitting in the seat. Then the Machine starts up.''

2: THE ATTENDANCE SHEET

Teachers always write everything down. Who the fuck knows why.

Mrs. Godfrey: We're organized!

Nate: (you're fucking control freaks.)

They fill out an attendance sheet in every class. If you're missing, a big red "X" goes next to your name, Congratulations. You're absent.

3: THE CLASSROOM HELPER

Last month, we saw a movie about bees in science. This big fat queen bee sat on her ass in the hive doing nothing while the drones did all of the work for her. Why does that sound so familiar?

(a sketch of Mrs. Godfrey as a bee commanding the students as bee drones to get her stuff)

Bee Godfrey: Peel me a grape!

Teachers are the queen bees. Guess who the drones are.

Mrs. Godfrey: I'm looking for a classroom helper to do a very important job!

Gina Hemphil-Toms: OOOH!

It's always a suck up like Gina-Hemphil-Toms who volunteers, because she's so desperate to earn extra credit. Good for you Gina. I'm sure your career as a seventh-grade classroom helper will get you into some fancy-pants college.

Mrs. Godfrey (handing Gina a piece of paper): Take this attendance sheet to the front office.

The front office. The engine that runs the Machine. And right in the middle of it is....

4: THE SCHOOL SECRETARY

Mrs. Shipulski's not so bad. It isn't HER fault they make her keep track of attendance. (I also dont blame her for all the times she says "Nate, the principal will see you now")

''She's fast for a 64 year old lady. She looks all over those attendance sheets in no time. The second she spots that red "X" next to your name, she's on the phone to your parent(s) (I said that because my parents divorced and my mother didn't want custody of me and Ellen).''

Secretary Shipulski: Nate isn't at school.

Marty: WHAT!?

''There. You see how the Machine works? See how efficient it is? You can't win. You can't outwit it. There's no escape from the Machine.''

''That's my predicament. If i run off to the woods to hang out with Spitsy, it'll take at least five minutes for Mrs. Shipulski to fire up the Dad Hotline. Then summer school would be the least of my many problems. I could get suspended, maybe expelled, sent to juvie, or even sent to a fucking military academy like Spag Union where they give you a buzzcut and make you say "sir" at the beginning and end of every sentence.''

''That settles it. Skipping school is not a fucking option. I need to be more creative about this. What I need is a excused absence.''

''An excused absence means you go to school just like normal. But you have a parent note saying you need to be somewhere else at a certain time. Bingo, You're free! Yesterday, Alan Olquist left halfway through Art because he had to get a wart zapped on his foot. How lucky can anyone get?''

(DRAMATIC FLASHBACK)

Alan Olquist (walking out the classroom(: So long, motherfuckers!

''So all I need to do is stroll into social studies with note from Dad saying I've got an excuse-let's say a dentist appointment-and I'm off the hook. Fucking genius!''

''Yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking. "You don't have a note from your father.", but I can take care of that quick.''

(Nate starts drawing a note that says

"Dear Clara Godfrey,

Please excuse Nate at 8:45 this morning. He has a very important dentist app-" but suddenly stops writing)

''Woah. Nope, that wont cut it. That looks like WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH like my handwriting, Mrs. Godfrey will sniff that out immediately, She may be loud, nasty and ugly, but she's not a dumbass (which I wish she was).''

I've got to make it more like a grown up's handwriting, like DAD's, and his is messy as fuck.

(Nate starts writing in cursive but stops when he finds out he can barely tell what it's supposed to say)

''Whoops. Not THAT messy. Even I can't read that shit.''

''This is much harder that I thought it would be. And I'm running out of time.''

(Nate draws the letter again in a handwriting that looks almost like his father's handwriting that says:

Dear Clara Godfrey,

Please excuse Nate at 8:45 this morning. He has a very important dentist appointment.)

''Hey, HEY! That looks like the real thing! Pretty damn convincing!''

''Hello, excused absence! Good-bye, stupid social studies test! All that's left to do is to forge Dad's signature. Forge...Dad's...signature....Uhhhh....Let me think about this for a second. Forge. Forgery. Oh fuck.''

''Isn't forgery, like, a CRIME? Don't people get thrown into prison for signing the wrong name on a check or for using somebody else's credit card or for copy-and-pasting something on the internet and passing it off as your own?''

''Listen, I'm no Goody Too-Shoes. There's a desk in the fucking detention room with my name on it-literally. But I'm not breaking the LAW. I don't want to get my ass dragged outta P.S. 38 in handcuffs and a face full of pepper spray.''

Hypothetical Civilian #1: Dere goes the notorious Nate Wright!

Hypothetical Civilian #2: The identity thief??

Hypothetical Civilian #3: HOLY SHIT, I DIDN'T THINK THAT TEENAGERS COULD GO TO PRISON!