The Hev1 War/Gollum

NOTE: I am writing this as it happens so it is going to be under construction for a while. This is also from my perspective so please refrain from changing it

I never thought this day would be upon us. But alas, here it is The Hev1 War.

Gathering Storm
Gollum's distaste for Hev1 began on December 12th, 2017 when Gollum made a thought out comment thinking about Nate's future.

"Years from now, as he’s being lead out of court, on trial and found guilty of murder, the reporters will ask this psychopath: “When did it start Nate?” to which Nate would reply: “Well it happened a while ago. When I was in middle school, I wanted to give my social studies teacher a heart attack. Then began the homicidal dreams. I knew one day I’d get even with her. One day…” Breaking Bad theme plays"

-Gollum, December 12th, 2017.

He received 8 likes.

Hev1 on the other hand, received 22 likes and featured comment for this work of art:

"Nate is heartless"

-Hev1, December 12th, 2017.

This infuriated Gollum. Not because he put quite a bit of effort into his comment but because some guy with the cult of personality could get so many likes for doing nothing. "Jeez," thought Gollum "This guy needs to be parodied, all he does is state the obvious!"

Then on December 14th, 2017 Gollum came out with his parody of a Hev1 comment

"I love this strip! It is such high-level humour. The line “Oh how I detest her” while not only being a change from Nate’s usual “Oh how I hate her” it also is in itself a cryptic reference to the book, Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky written in 1886. To the line: “Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.” This explains the whole underlying subtext of Big Nate. He’s just a misunderstood genius and his plans are always thwarted by a evil stone hearted villain. I had no idea that Lincoln Peirce was a fan of Russian literature but o-ho I stand corrected! He is truly a modern genius. His works mention the concept that Dostoyevsky explained, the Dunning-Krueger effect, schadenfreude, and many more. This is all a part of my essay on Big Nate that you can read at a wonderful website called tydavidsonblog.wordpress.com"

-Gollum, December 14th, 2017

Nothing like a bit of shameless self-promotion!

The parody comment received about 3 likes while Hev1 pulled his usual party trick and got a ton of likes and featured comment.

Gollum racked his brains. What was the problem? Why did the comment flop? Was it because it sounded nothing like Hev1? Do people not know who Dostoevsky is?

An embarrassing mistake on Gollum's part, so he decided to rectify it.

The next day, Gollum posted another Hev1 related comment that got a SUBSTANTIAL (and I mean substantial) amount of likes:

"How to make a Hev1 comment: Step 1: Notice the most obvious thing about the strip. Step 2: Type a paragraph about the obvious thing. Step 3: Sprinkle in mature words like “frivolous” and “assessing” that the average Big Nate commenter would not know. Step 4: Mention something high concept about psychology and life. Step :. Post comment. Step 6: Get them sweet likes and featured comment."

-Gollum, December 15th, 2017.

He got 16 likes and 16 replies! "Hell yeah!" he said. But he did not get featured comment. Instead Hev1 (with 14 likes) got featured comment. He had 40 replies (most of them consisted of Gollum arguing with Hev1's loyal fan club).

"Gollum: What is your secret?"

"Somebody (actual name): What secret?"

"Hockey17: The secret to having a huge fan club."

"Gollum: And getting featured comment for stating the obvious and using big boy words"

"Hockey17: Exactly."

"Nasty Nas: Please stop replying to Captain Obvious. At this point I don’t know what’s worse polls or stupid insight into a comic."

"Gina Hemphill Toms (replying to Gollum): “big boy words”? What’s wrong with sophistication?"

"Gollum: I was being sarcastic"

"The Antithesis (completely missing the point): So you’re saying hev1 doesn’t have sophisticated word choice?"

"Gollum: Good lord, I am pointing out that he is pretentious as anything"

"The Antithesis: How is he pretentious? Stop thinking the worst of people. It’s not like he’s using sophisticated words to “impress” people (although some people are impressed by his vocabulary). He’s using it because he wants to and there’s nothing wrong with that."

"Gollum: Okay buddy whatever you say ;)"

"Mrs. Godfrey (replying to Gollum): What do you have against hev1?"

"Mrs. Godfrey (replying to Gollum's comment about Hev1 being pretentious): Where is the proof of that (other than the fact that you just seem to dislike hev1)?"

"Gollum (replying to Mrs. Godfrey's what do you have against hev1 comment): Nothing, other than the fact that he always gets featured comment for stating the obvious. I don’t have anything against him personally."

"Gollum (replying to the dislike hev1 comment): Look at all of his comments, they are very pretentious, at least in my eyes. I mean, the fact that he is giving a fictional character advice is weird on its own"

"ProCuber: I think of it as an analysis, not “stating the obvious”. Plus, do you want the featured comment?"

"ProCuber: You haven’t given any evidence that hev1 is pretentious. “Stating the obvious” and “using big boy words” doesn’t make him pretentious, nor does giving advice to a fictional character. It only shows that hev1 is dedicated to the strip (he makes constructive, on-topic comments everyday). You are making the same argument as GinaSays, saying that it’s “weird” how hev1 always makes comments about Big Nate or giving Nate advice. Read the Jonathan W.G.‘s replies to hev1’s comment: http://www.gocomics.com/bignate/2017/12/09."

"Sagacious Polyhistor (a few days later replying to Gollum's comment about Hev1 being pretentious): How so? Could you actually explain why instead of avoiding the question?"

The next few days was the same: Make a comment mocking Hev1, get told off by his pissed off fans. On December 18th, Gollum said:

"insert “intelligent” and thoughtful comment about why working at a mall changes your psyche"

- Gollum, December 18th, 2017.

This was well received by some and not so well received by others. Meanwhile, he made another comment about the new arc saying:

"Well the sub storyline was beyond terrible. Come on Peirce! Show us you deserve the 500k subs! Let’s hope this SPG one is funny."

-Gollum, December 18th, 2017.

This was a boner on Gollum's part, as the sub count is 50k, not 500k.

Let me repeat, the sub count is 50k not 500k!

Hev1, so graciously corrected Gollum and got 4 likes. Fair enough. Gollum responded by saying:

"Ah yes, of course you have to be the one to point it out to me. I’m probably going to die of this irony overdose"

It is ironic, right? Anywho, Hev1 seemed to understand so that was good. Unfortunately, Sagacious Polyhistor swooped in to "save the day" by schooling Gollum on... I don't know.

Gollum was sick of this conflict, he had just fought in Poll War 2, so he was a bit worn out. He was tired of people not getting it:

"You answered your own question! It is ironic because I was making jokes about Hev1 and he pointed out my stupid error. Jeez do I have to explain everything to you people? It seems that no one on this site gets jokes."

-Gollum, December 18th, 2017.

Gollum saw Hev1's comment (that was featured) and cringed:

"School Picture Guy is doing all sorts of odd jobs. It seems like he really needs the money."

-Hev1, December 18th, 2017.

It got 10 likes. 10 LIKES. What has this world come to? Gollum was pissed and he went to his blog to do some maintenance work. He came across the "About The Site" page and found a comment from someone familiar:

"Nice blog! Good luck writing your graphic novels​. This seems to be a sophisticated and enthralling blog!"

-Hev1, September 14th, 2017.

"Oh my God," Gollum thought "Could I be making fun of some guy who complimented me? He seemed like he was interested in what I have to write on my blog."

Gollum was depressed. What had he done?

He wrote an apology to Hev1 that same day:

"I apologize for my “rude” Hev1 comments. I will try to be less sarcastic."

-Gollum, December 18th, 2017.

He immediately received a reply from Sagacious Dickhole which was:

"Hence the quotation marks around rude."

-Sagacious Polyhistor, December 18th, 2017.

This angered Gollum and he told Sagacious Polyhistor to "shut up" (hence the quotation marks) and explained why he put them there to begin with. Gollum cleared everything up with Hev1 who said:

"No apology necessary. You were just joking."

-Hev1, December 18th, 2017.

Everything was okay for a while. Gollum cooled off after a while and was his normal self again. "Yeah, maybe I was taking it too far" he said. All was good.

Right?

The Outbreak Of War
On January 6th, 2018, the unthinkable happened. Gollum got some crazy idea, mixed with pent up frustration at Hev1 and his fanbase. He changed his profile picture to a ghost rider with Gollum's face on it and his name to "Gollum1". He wrote a long comment about how people from different cultures can't speak English initially:

"People from other cultures and countries learn any word. They want to broaden their vocabulary and adopt the language that the country speaks. However they do not understand the meaning of some words, like in Arthur’s case. This will lead to many misunderstandings."

-Gollum, January 6th, 2018.

Hev1 made his own comment saying:

"Words can have several meanings and idioms are always hard to understand when thought of literally (their meaning must be memorized). A word which comprises two separate words may sometimes be hard to understand because it might not have the same meaning as its word components. This is always hard to learn for non-native speakers. However, a word can usually be broken into three parts: the root, the prefix and the suffix. The meanings of common roots, prefixes and suffixes can be memorized to piece together the meaning of a word, which is much easier."

-Hev1, January 6th, 2018.

"Ugh," thought Gollum "I came to read a comic not get bored to death with primary school English work."

Gollum decided to reply to Hev1's comment to up the ante.

Then this amusing conversation unfolded:

"Gollum: I offer you my sincerest contrafibularities, hev1"

"BigNateRules: What in the word is a contrafibularity?"

"Gollum: Contrafibularities? Have you not heard? It is a common word up here, am I incorrect hev1?"

"BigNateRules: I can’t even find it in dictionary.com lol"

"Gollum: My sincerest apologies, I am so phrasmotic to have even caused you this much bewilderment."

Thinking he would get more replies from members Hev1's fanbase, Gollum was pants crappingly shocked when he saw the Hev1 HIMSELF made a sarcastic (?) reply:

"It is not uncommon to not know an unusual word. Think of how many English words there are. Even a university English professor would not know every single word (the meanings of specific phobias and diseases are especially hard to remember). To know every single word would be nearly impossible, but it would be significantly easier if you understand Latin and/or Greek, which are are the languages that form the most common English word roots. A word may seem easy to remember for you but hard to remember for another person and vice versa."

-Hev1, January 6th, 2018.

"Oh God," said Gollum "I refuse to believe this is a real human being. Surely he is just joking, right?"

I mean, Hev1's reply got 5 likes from his fan club (MagikarpSays, Sagacious Polyhistor, Pro Cuber, Gina Hemphill Toms and The Antithesis).

Gollum wasn't going to give up hope and he replied to Hev1's comment causing further amusing moments:

"Gollum: Ah but of course. You understand it what I am attempting to communicate, correct, brethren? If not then this a massive pericombobulation on my part."

"BigNateRules: I have no clue what your talking about. Are you using a thesaurus or something?"

"FallenUser001: He has his English tutor ya know."

Sidenote: My English tutor helps me with my writing, not teaching me useless vocabulary

"Gollum: I am an anaspeptic reader, for that is why my vocabulary is so diverse"

"FallenUser001: You’re using so many lesserknown words that you sound pretentious."

"Gollum: Don’t be compunctious"

Luckily there were some shiners in that reply chain. My bois Rayantarar and 10/10 got the joke and congratulated me. Sagacious Polyhistor made an appearance chewing me out:

"Insulting others will not change anything, no matter which words you use. It only shows that you have no real counterargument and are resorting to non-civil measures."

"“My sincerest apologies, I am so phrasmotic to have even caused you this much bewilderment.”"

"This comment shows your conceit as well as your egoism; you are flaunting your vocabulary. I will not assume anything, but you could well be using a thesaurus because, as Hev1 has stated, words can have many meanings and you seem to be using several words incorrectly and in the wrong context. You can’t always trust a thesaurus because it does not know which meaning of the word you are searching up you want to use."

-Sagacious Polyhistor, January 6th, 2018.

But here's the catch: contrafibularities, phrasmotic, anaspeptic and pericombobulation are ALL MADE UP WORDS!

Sidenote: Be pretentious as you want, claim you have a massive vocabulary but you can't even spot a fake word when it's right in front of you.

Gollum got the idea from one of his favourite TV shows, Blackadder. Watch the sketch and you will get the joke:

Oh no, but it doesn't stop there! Gollum made a comment refering to Hev1's main comment that day:

"Hev1 has a splendiferous point. Words in the English language are fascinating. Words are often composed of letters and the English language uses the Roman alphabet, which has 26 letters. Many other languages use the Roman alphabet also like, Afar (formerly used the Arabic script), Afrikaans, Albanian, Aragonese, Asturian, Aymara, Azeri (formerly used the Cyrillic script), Basque, Belarusian (also uses the Cyrillic script, and occasionally the Lacinka alphabet), Berber / Tamazight (Algeria, Morocco, Mali, Niger), Bislama, Boholano (formerly used Baybayin), Bosnian (also uses the Cyrillic script), Breton, Catalan, Cebuano, Chamorro, Cherokee (also uses the Cherokee script), Cornish, Corsican, Croatian, Cree, Czech, Danish, Dutch, English, Esperanto, Estonian, Faroese, Fijian, Finnish, French, Fula (Pulaar), Gaelic (Scottish), Galician, German, et cetera."

-Gollum, January 6th, 2018.

Then this began:

"Hev1: To better understand the English language, there is no need to be proficient at so many languages. Proficiency at Greek and Latin is enough as they form the most common English word roots. Knowing French is also useful for this purpose.*"

"* He got 6 likes from his fanclub"

"Gollum: “Te desiderari in parte” as they would say in Latin. I have found that German is also useful in order to comprehend some words in the English language. For example, the word “man” in English is quite similar to the word “mann” in German. Both have the same meaning but I can assure you dearest hev1, not many people would not know that. I assume just you and I had that knowledge. “Vous êtes un trou du cul complet” as the French say."

Sidenote: Put those phrases into Google translate to see what I said

It was all going well, Gollum hadn't laughed that hard in ages. 0a1s2d3f4g5h made a comment that received a bunch of replies:

"0a1s2d3f4g5h: Grab the popcorn guys, gollum and hev1 are going at it. I’ll take bets now on the outcome."

"Rayantarar: best seat in the house mate my moneys on gollum1 or should i say hev2"

"OutCastSage9033: i think that its an even chance on whose the bestsince HEV1 and Gollum1 are doing the samebut grab the popcorn and everything you need for a movie guysthis could be pointing out the obvious vocabulary war"

"0a1s2d3f4g5h: “The Obvious Vocabulary War” – 1/6/18"

"Hockey17: This’ll be interesting."

Sidenote: Incoming Hev1 fans with sticks up their butts

"Sagacious Polhistor: This will probably result in no change at all."

"Tue Elung Jensen: How are “they” going at it? Seems more like you are making a big deal out of nothing."

"0a1s2d3f4g5h: Hey don’t you know how to have a little fun in life? Of course this is nothing serious, they are just trolling eachother for fun. We can enjoy it, can’t we?"

Sidenote: Excellent point from 0a1s2d3f4g5h

The Investigation
For a while, there had been a user named 7oclock on the wiki who claimed he had never been in the comment section, only read it. He was very complimentary of Hev1 and would constantly misinterpret Gollum's comments. Well what if I told you that 7OCLOCK AND HEV1 ARE ONE AND THE SAME.

"What?" you ask? How do I know this information? Well I had the sneaking suspicion that 7oclock was a Hev1 alt account after he'd been on the wiki long enough. I talked to him about Hev1 and he wouldn't understand why I disliked him. 7oclock wrote the same way as Hev1 as well.

THE FOLLOWING IS A THEORY, I HAVE NO PROOF OF THIS

I had theorised that Hev1's fanclub are also alt accounts of his that he uses to get featured (through likes and comments). That would explain why Mrs. Godfrey and π were discussing "unexperienced" and "inexperienced" in such detail that required multiple comments. Go back and look, if Hev1's comment is featured it's either because his "fans" talk too much or Gollum caused some controversy.

And think of this: Hev1 is famous for not replying to drama related comments but his fanclub does. Sagacious Polhistor gets pissed at me all the time. Now, not only does the entire fanclub write the same, have the same opinion, act collected (most of the time) but that's how Hev1 fights his fights. I always wondered "Why doesn't Hev1 just stand up for himself?"

To save face. He get's alt accounts to fight for him.

END OF THEORY

But I'm straying off topic. Back to the exposé. I know that 7oclock is Hev1 because I had them investigated by a member of the FANDOM staff. They share the same IP address (which confirms that they are the same people).

Still don't believe me? Here is proof:

Well 7oclock/Hev1:



The End (or so I thought)
The Hev1 War (I thought) ended on January 8th when Hev1 admitted that he is A SLIMY BASTARD LYING HIS WAY TO FEATURED COMMENT.

Ahem.

I mean, when Hev1 admitted to using alt accounts on GoComics and the comment section wiki. The revelation that Hev1 was 7oclock this whole time was widespread. Everyone was shocked that Hev1 was 7oclock. I mean, gee, 7oclock is his LEAST pretentious alt account so that's probably why he was able to stay under the radar.

Sidenote: I made a realization as I was writing this. Mrs, Godfrey (probably Hev1 alt account) made a comment asking what the list of commenters article and who 7oclock was and I didn't even stop to think that Mrs. Godfrey was Hev1.

W o a h.

Gollum was overjoyed. He made a celebratory mashup on his Vimeo account

Hev1 Strikes Again
As if he didn't get a hint, Hev1 was back with his alt accounts. Sagacious Polyhistor came up with a deflection saying:

"That’s only evidence that 7o’clock is “Hev1GC”. There is no proof whatsoever that Hev1GC is hev1. I have found proof against that:"

"1) IP addresses can be shared by multiple individuals."

"2) “hev1” is spelled wrong in “Hev1GC”. There shouldn’t be a capital H. If that was hev1, he would be able to spell his own name correctly."

"3) 7o’clock predicted that hev1 wouldn’t respond to Gollum’s trolling, but he did. If 7o’clock was hev1, he wouldn’t predict his own actions wrong."

"4) 7o’clock refers to hev1 as hev1 instead of “I” or “me”. After supposed exposure, he should refer to hev1 as himself because he said he would write a confession. The only logical explanation is that 7o’clock is not hev1."

"5) Hev1 does not comment very often, which shows that he does not have a lot of spare time. 7o’clock, though, has a lot of time and has over 600 edits on the wiki. Therefore, hev1 can’t be 7o’clock."

"6) On 7o’clock’s Confession, it says the whole thing started in September. Hev1 was already on GoComics in August. This also means that they can not be the same person."

"7) 7o’clock uses smiley faces. Hev1 never uses those. He is always very serious."

"8) Hev1 has not said anything about a confession on the comment section. 7o’clock talks alot on the wiki and has told many people of the confession."

"9) Hev1 has not said anything about all the negative things broadcast about him on the wiki. This means that he hasn’t been reading it for a while, if he ever read it at all."

"10) 7o’clock isnt as careful as hev1. I noticed several careless spelling errors."

-Sagacious Polyhistor, January 9th, 2018.

Now, either Sagacious Polyhistor is a Hev1 alt account and he is trying to throw off his scent (likely) or Sagacious Polyhistor is a retard (also likely). Or as Hev1 would say: A human being with repressed learning abilities.

Of COURSE Hev1 would A) make 7oclock sound different to himself (that's why 7oclock wasn't found out for a while) and B) make his other alt Sagacious Polyhistor defend himself.

This is pathetic.

Hev1 is pathetic.

The Armistice
Pretty soon, Gollum had enough of the idiocy coming from the other commenters that didn't see that Hev1 is a troll. They were like "stop attacking him".

Mein friends, when a troll is exposed, he usually stops and has a laugh with everyone.

Hev1 is the most unsportsmanlike troll I have met. He may be the best, but he sure as hell isn't the most polite. He promised to write his confession and instead spent the time dicking around in the comments. Gollum was tired so he wrote a quick article about his thoughts:

Rant begins

Ugh.

So a lot of you are defending Hev1, saying my trolling is getting annoying. Has it ever occurred to you that Hev1 is a troll? No one can read that much into a stupid children's comic. Hence the pretentious alt accounts. 7oclock ADMITTED it (but is now acting dumb). If you guys are seriously stupid enough to believe that Hev1 is legitimate then I have lost all respect for you.

Hev1 is doing it on purpose to piss people like me off. People that see past the bulls**t and understand that Big Nate is a bad children's comic strip that has seen better days will hate Hev1. Hev1 points out the already obvious jokes and reminds me of how crappy Big Nate has become.

That's ONE of the reasons I hate him.

Once you've been exposed as a troll, the gentlemanly thing to do would be to have a laugh with everyone and move on. However Hev1 can't grasp simple etiquette and continues this stupid act. That sheeple like you believe.

"Oh he's just doing his thing why don't you leave him alone?"

HE'S A TROLL.

How come I'm just "doing my thing" and people get mad at me? Are we doing #justiceforhev1 or some s**t like that now?

I will stop dragging on about Hev1 once he admits that he is a troll and he is not some college professor dissecting Big Nate for its artistic meaning.

Get real.

Rant over

P.S.

Seeing as people are going to tear me apart after reading this, I will respond in the most sportsman-like way possible. A response, that I hope will get Hev1 to admit and stop.

Dear Hev1,

Please just admit it. You did an amazing job tricking all these idiots in the comments thinking there was some hidden meaning. You, sir, have exposed the commenters for being a bunch of pretentious wannabes and I commend you for that. I thought MartySays was the best troll ever but his trolling is sloppy compared to yours.

I am going to change a quote by WW1 ace Arthur Rhys Davids. Here is the original quote describing Werner Voss:

"“I take my hat off to Voss; he was the bravest fellow and the best scrapper I have ever met.”"

My new quote:

"'I take my hat off to Hev1; he was the most infuriating and best troll I have ever met.'"

-Gollum

This was the right move on Gollum's part. He should congratulate Hev1 for being a great troll and move on.

The war hasn't been officially resolved and is still at a stalemate.