Fanon:Big Nate: The Joker

Big Nate: The Joker
Big Nate: On a roll + Joker 

“Hurry up, gang! Otherwise we’ll be late for science!”

“Woah, there!” Exclaims Teddy. “Since when have YOU been excited for a lesson with ol’ fossil face?

He’s right. I’m not excited for the science lesson at all, but rather what’s after the science lesson… 

Because there’s a timber scout meeting after school! Mr. Ortiz (Teddy’s Dad) is our Troop leader and he says there’s an exciting event coming up and he wants to tell us all about it in the timber scout meeting. 

I’ve made it through the whole day without detentions so I can attend this meeting. I just have to behave myself until science is done and I’ll be good.

The lesson doesn’t start off too bad. Galvin wants us to take some notes on this diffusion stuff or something… Then, in the middle of the lesson, he gathers us around and tells us what we have to do for today’s lesson. 

“Alright class, let’s have Artur and…”

Ugh. It’s always Artur who does the stinkin’ demonstration. Mr Perfect sitting over there with that obnoxious smile on his face...

“Nate!” 

Nyuh? Did he just call my name? Great. Now I have to do a demonstration on whatever we're doing, which I totally did not pay attention to. 

“So, if you were listening, you would now have to seperate the two mixtures by…”

I have no idea of what’s going on now. I’m just looking at whatever Artur’s doing, which seems to work. I’m just trying to get my tubes set and-

YEOW! That idiot Artur flippin’ trodded on my foot while he was trying to grab one of those fancy science tool things! I accidentally let my tubes go flying, then-

ARGH! Some chemicals from the mixture are burning my hair! I go over to that shower thing and FWOOSH. I think I feel as good as ever. Until…

 

“NATE! You could have accidentally splashed Artur with your Pitanziem Chloride* mixture!”

ARTUR!?!? Who cares about that sack of Belarussian garbage, can’t he see that some of that nuclear waster probably burnt one of my tufts off?”

I turn to argue but he hands me a pink slip. 

As I walk back to my desk, the whole class was laughing (probably about my hair missing some chunks about it.) and I look into the mirror. It wasn’t just a bunch missing, my centre tuff looked the mashed beans in the cafetouurium the other day.

After the lesson, I sulk over to the detention room. Stinking Artur, if he hadn’t trodded on my foot he needn't have me accidentally spill stuff all over the place, making my hair look like the Chernobyl incident and now be stuck in detention and therefore have me miss my timber scout meeting! 

This is turning out to be one of the worse days I’ve ever had. 

After the detention ends,  run out of school as if there was a zombie outbreak in there. I grab my skateboard because that’ll make my trip much quicker and I might actually make it before the lesson ends, as Mr Ortiz always says: Half a scout is better than No scout at all! 

I choose to go into the direction of the town rather than the park, because it’s quicker but might be packed with a lot of people. Thankfully, I didn’t see anyone there and was easily able to skate past. Also, there’s this deranged park ranger in the park who probably would have confiscated my skateboard or something. 

* Pitanziem is a made-up substance, I came up with this randomly because I have no idea what sort of epic chemicals  you would use in your regular science experiment

 

I’m almost at our road until-

I see a teenager and some of his friends walking around, probably shoplifting. 

“HEY! WATCH OUT!” 

They don’t seem to have listened. Yikes. 

I attempt to slow myself down and thankfully it worked, but I ended up in front of who seemed to be the leader of the gang-

 Randy Betancourt.

PS:38’s biggest bully. He probably isn’t happy that I nearly bumped into him, but he didn’t listen to my yell sooo...

 

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the great Nate Wright. Fancy seeing you hear at this time. Got another detention?” 

They laugh and run away. 

Stupid Randy… I’ll just get my skateboard and- 

Where’s my skateboard? 

RANDY! 

I attempt to retrace Randy and his goons. I see them shoplifting a nearby 7-eleven and I chase after them. They seemed to have finally noticed me. 

I got them into this dark alleyway and- POW!

Randy and his goons jump out of nowhere and start beating me up. What did I do to deserve all this? First Artur getting me into trouble, because of him I get detention, and because I get detention I nearly miss my meeting, causing me to get on my skateboard and now end up in this situation. 

After a while, they decide to run off. I try get up and I succeed. I check my watch with my black eye- 5 minutes left to the meeting, I might make it. Or I could go seek medical attention. I decided to see if I’m able to make it back to the meeting or if I have to get- 

My heart sinks. Why? Because I suddenly see my good old skateboard, finally beaten and snapped in half by randy and his gang. I don’t bother to go anywhere anymore, I just wrap myself around and cry. 

The next day, Francis and Teddy tell me about everything that was going on in the last meeting. We’re doing a small fundraiser for one of the orphanages in Portland, the top 3 get prizes and are able to go visit the children. I personally wasn’t very intrested in the visiting the children part but the prizes are a wow. Third place award was a Giant 3-D puzzle, which seemed pretty epic. Second place was a sort of small thin box which they said was with limited comics inside them. And first place- a brand new Skateboard with free customization! WOW! I really need to start selling- 

“What are we selling again?”

Francis says: “Basically, since we’re trying to raise money for children, we’re selling these clown toy things.”

He shows me an image of it on the pamphlet he gave me. 

“Wha- how are we gonna sell those things? Nobody would want them!” 

Francis shrugs. “I’m not sure, Nate. But the prizes seem worth it, personally I’m very Intrigued in the 3-D puzzle of Apollo 11, because-” 

Francis did have a point. I was really going to have to grind a lot of I really wanted that Skateboard back. 

It was a few weeks of pain and suffering, but finally- I had managed to sell 53 of those clown things, mainly due to parents paying me to go away and so they can stop their children from crying, I don’t blame them because I personally think that these clown things are weird and creepy. 

This was the last day before we were to gather around in Vex Park (Where all the troops in Portland came together for an annual meeting) and the winners were supposed to be announced there.

To try to make buissness better, I found this cool outfit in my Dad’s wardrobe and decided to wear it during the last day before we were supposed to meet together.

After school, I, Francis and Teddy changed into clown outfits so we could try get more sales. 

At around 5:PM, we were making decent sales, I managed to sell 3 more leaving my total to 56 of the toys. I figured that was probably a guaranteed win, because Francis and Teddy only had around 60 combined. 

All was fine until Randy and his goons came along. 

“Well if it isn’t the 3 dorketeers!”

His goons laughed. 

“Shut up, Randy.” Francis says back. 

Randy Smirked. “And I thought regular clowns were scary enough, Wright. But clearly your deranged hair makes adds a new category to the clown list.” 

His goons are on the floor rolling with laughter. Even Teddy started smirking a bit. 

“Guys, what do we do?” I quickly ask them. Francis replies: “I’m not sure. How about you, Teddy?” 

But I noticed that Teddy was gone. That selfish scumbag, leaving us to deal with Randy. 

“Looks like your little friend is gone.” Randy sneers. 

“Oh yeah? At least we have friends, unlike you Randy, with you and your goons who only pretend to like you-” 

I was about to High-Five Francis for making that roast but that jerk Randy punched him right in the face. His goons laugh. 

“Are you sure you want to finish that line, Pope? Because there’s more of us there’s-”

I flip out and then tackle Randy. I didn’t care that his goons were all punching me as well, I just wanted to cause as much pain to him as possible.

 As I arrive home, with a black eye which almost healed and a broken nose, I sit down and casually eat my broccoli and cheese like there was nothing wrong. Ellen is eyeing me strangely, wondering if my black eye was really black or just clown makeup. Then Dad comes home. 

“Hello, kids I’ve- GOOD GRAVY, NATE!” 

He finally notices my cut up and bruised face. 

“Wha- What happened today?”

So I try to explain.

After a few minutes, Randy and I were separated by a mall cop. Randy, obviously turned victim and said he was only defending himself because I attacked him. I didn’t really have anything to say so I just packed my bag and left. But that wasn’t the reason why I was so gloomy, though. I had forgotten to take my earnings back with me, and that I just wasted 2 hours of my time by standing outside in a clown suit.

 The next day, as I got to school, I noticed that only Francis was walking with me. Teddy probably didn’t dare because of what he did yesterday and left us there to deal with randy. As we were walking to school, I noticed wherever we end, people were laughing at us. I wasn’t sure what was going on, until Teddy, with very sympathetic and guilty looks, showed us Portland Daily’s Article about yesterday’s event.

 I’m just casually reading through it and then I come across a name- 

Gina Hemphill-Toms, 11 

GINA. She’s the one who submitted this article (well maybe no) telling the news guys everything about me always trying to make my life miserable. She’s gonna pay. 

After school, me and Francis walked to the Park, without Teddy (again) and obviously everyone was laughing at us. 

The scoutmaster did his usual welcoming speech thing, and then he showed us the awards.

" IN THIRD PLACE, WE HAVE JOSH HUSKY FROM TROOP 7, SELLING 45 ICE CREAM SANDWICHES!" WHAT? Those guys got to sell ICE CREAM SANDWICHES WHILE WE HERE HAD TO SELL THESE CRINGEY LITTLE CLOWN TOY THINGS!?!?! 

"IN SECOND PLACE, WE HAVE NATE WRIGHT FROM TROOP 3, SELLING 53 TOY SETS!"

NO! Second place. Dang, I thought I HAD that skateboard. Ah well. 

AND IN FIRST PLACE, WE HAVE ARTUR PASHKOV FROM TROOP 3, WITH 54 TOY SETS SOLD!

Wha- ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?! Stinkin’ Artur gets the skateboard with ONE set away from me! If it weren’t for Randy and his idiot goons, I would have WON THAT BOARD! Randy’s dead. 

Artur comes over to congratulate me, but I just sulk back home. 

Before going to bed, I decided to open up my box of comics to have a good read. 

But there weren’t any comics inside the box- 

Instead, there was a REVOLVER. Not one of those airsoft ones either. A REAL REVOLVER, even packed with bullets inside it. 

Now I’m starting to think if I was really that unlucky anymore. 

When walking to school tomorrow, Francis shows me the newspaper. Is it stinking Gina again, making fun of me?

Francis says: “Our scoutmaster got busted yesterday. Apparently he’s a convicted drug dealer.”

So that kind of made sense. He must have switched out the comic box with the revolver or something. But I don’t tell Francis about my prize.

WOOSH!

Something speedy passes us and  I nearly fall. I swear, if it’s Randy again I’m going to- 

But it wasn’t Randy, it was ARTUR on his new board. That would have been MINE if it weren’t for Randy but on the other hand, I had a gun and hmmm….

I was getting another one of my genius ideas. One to get everything EVEN for me, for once in my life.