Fanon:Big Nate: the Cartoon Series - Episode 1: Welcome to P.S. 38/Transcript

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(Episode begins with the screen pitch-black)

Nate: OK, focus. Smart. I am smart. One genius, 34 losers. I can nail these questions like I can chow down my breakfast. Yes, I am smart. Smarter than Einstein, more inventive than Edison. My name is Nate Wright, and I am-

Teacher: NATE!! Will you open your eyes and stop mumbling?! Focus on your test!

(Screen irises in to indicate Nate opening his eyes, to show Nate's teacher from the neck down, then shows Nate working on the test, then after a few seconds...)

Nate: Done!

Teacher (offscreen): Already? (arm appears onscreen to grab and read paper) Holy cow! This is incredible! You pass!!

Nate: NO WAY!!! This is exciting!!

Teacher: Wow, the first A+ anyone got this year! C'mon everybody, let's PAR-TAY!!

(The teacher and the kids celebrate with dance music in the background)

Kid #1: Let's hang out some time, Nate!

Kid #2: Will you sign my shirt?

Kid #3: Come join our posse, kid!

Nate: Thank you, everyone. Come to my place any time!

Principal (offscreen): Congratulations, Nate! You've made it to the honor roll.

Nate: Wow, this is so epic! Snacks and sodas for everybody, on me!!

(Everybody cheers)

Kids: NATE! NATE! NATE! NATE!...

(Kids' voices morph into Marty Wright's voice, as scene pans out to a thought balloon)

Mr. Wright: NATE! NATE! WAKE UP!!

(Thought balloon disappears and scene zooms down to Nate in his bed and Mr. Wright waking him up)

Mr. Wright: What are you waiting for, Nate?! Get up! You don't wanna be late for entering 6th grade and your new school, do you?

Nate: OK, OK, I'm up..

(quick montage of Nate showering, putting his school clothes on and heading downstairs for his breakfast; oatmeal Mr. Wright made for him. At the dining room, Ellen walks in and kisses Mr. Wright on the cheek)

Ellen: Morning, Daddy! (walks to the dining table) Morning, oatmeal! (rudely shoves Nate off the chair) That's my seat, doofus.

Nate: (getting up from the floor and dusting himself off while mumbling) Stereotypical teen jerk....

Ellen: EXCUSE ME!?

Nate: (gulps) Er, nothing, Ellen... (quickly gets his own chair to sit and try to eat his oatmeal)

Mr. Wright: So, you two excited for your first day of school?

Nate: It's fine, I guess. I mean, I survived elementary school and all, but-

Ellen: You bet I'm excited! I've finished my summer reading list, and it was a piece of cake! And I plan on trying out for the school musical, running for class president, getting the honor roll, blahblahblah-

(As Ellen and Mr. Wright chatter away (audibly unclear), without them noticing, Nate dumps the oatmeal into the garbage disposal, picks up his backpack, and starts heading to the front door)

Nate: (calling out from outside the front door) Hope you two wish me luck! I'm gonna need it! (closes door and begins walking out, then sees Gordie in his car) Gordie, my man!

Gordie: Hi, Nate! The latest issue of Femme Fatality has just came out today. You look forward to picking it up from me at Classic Comix after school?

Nate: I sure am!

Gordie: Great! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pick up my "princess" on the way to our first day of high school.

Nate: (rolls eyes) Ellen?

Gordie: Of course.

(continuing the walk, Nate sees Mr. Eustis walking Spitsy)

Nate: Hey, Mr Eustis!

Ellen: Hi, Nate! Excited for your first day of middle school?

Nate: Not too excited, but I'll survive.

Mr. Eustis: Cool. Spitsy here needs some sun after sleeping in his doghouse, so I'm taking him for a walk.

Nate: OK, but I hope he doesn't become roadkill or eat roadkill.

Mr. Eustis: I'll keep that in mind.

Spitsy: Wurf! Wuff!

(continuing the walk, Nate arrives at Francis' house, where Francis is waiting for him)

Nate: Francis!

Francis: Hey, Nate! Ready for our splendid day of learning?

Nate: I guess so. How about you?

Francis: I'm all fully prepared! I have all my school notes, the list of books I've read over the summer, my Book of Facts, my alphabetically listed lunch, and wet wipes. You never know when you need them!

Nate: You're one heck of a neat geek, you know that? And that's what I kinda like about you.

Francis: OK then, let's go!

(quick montage of Nate and Francis walking to school until they finally arrive at the entrance where Principal Nichols is greeting the students (their names and appearances foreshadowing) as they pass by)

Principal Nichols: Welcome to 6th grade, Teddy... Welcome to 6th grade, Chad... Welcome to 6th grade, Dee Dee... Ah, two kids entering P.S. 38 for the first time! I'm Principal Nichols. What are your names?

Nate: Hello, Principal Nichols. My name is Nate Wright, and this is my friend Francis Bu-

Francis: (claps his hand over Nate's mouth) POPE!! My name is Francis Pope!

Principal Nichols: I see. Welcome to P.S. 38, Nate and Francis! You boys put your things in the locker I'll assign you, and I'll see you soon at the assembly. (starts walking down the corridor)

Francis: Thank you, Principal Nichols. (releases hand from Nate's mouth)

Nate: (gasps to regain his breath) Dude, what the heck?!

Francis: Don't you remember? I wanna keep my middle name private, not just for my privacy, but because it's embarrassing! I don't wanna be made fun of in this school like I was in elementary school.

Nate: Wait, what is it again?

Francis: (whispering) Butthurst.

Nate: (smirks and is about to have a laughing fit but manages to stop himself) OK, sorry Francis, I won't reveal your middle name here like I accidentally did in elementary school, though it is pretty funny.

Francis: Secret swear?

Nate: Secret swear.

Francis: Now let's put our stuff in wherever our assigned locker is. We don't wanna be late for our first assembly here, do we?

(Nate and Francis head to the locker where Principal Nichols has just put a note on it with their names, locker 217)

Nate: (opens locker door and throws his backpack inside) There, all safe and sound!

Francis: (mumbling to himself) Why do I have a feeling this thing will fill up so fast and messy?

Nate: What was that??

Francis: Nothing. Onward to the assembly!

(Nate and Francis head to the auditorium for the assembly)

Principal Nichols: Welcome to 6th grade, boys and girls! Many of you have come from the adjacent elementary school P.S. 6, but we have several new students coming from different elementary schools from other towns in the state. Let's start with the 6th graders. Say hello to Nate Wright and Francis Pope!

(Nate and Francis enter the stage with the audience cheering and clapping. Francis gives a nice wave, while Nate gives a pompous bow.)

Principal Nichols: Well, boys, I hope you two are good at singing, because for our first-day assembly, you're gonna lead us in singing the national anthem!

Francis: SING?!

Nate: ANTHEM?!?

Francis: Uhhhh, we'll be right back, Principal Nichols.

Nate: Yeah, we gotta warm up!

(Nate and Francis hide in the backstage)

Francis: What are we gonna do? We can't sing!

Nate: Well I can, but we've never had assemblies like this in elementary school, and I only know like the first 2 lines of the anthem!

Francis: I know the full anthem, but my singing sucks.

Nate: I know, it sounds like your cat is dying.

Francis: HEY!!! Don't say that about my cat Pickles! Good point anyway. Now what?

Nate: Wait a sec... I just thought of something! Why don't you lip-sync, while I sing those first 2 lines, then I join the lip-syncing, while everyone else is singing? No one would know!

Francis: Hmmm.... Might be possible... OK, let's do it! (he and Nate walk back to the front-stage) We're ready, Principal Nichols.

Principal Nichols: Ah, good. OK, everyone, all quiet down and rise please!

("The Star Spangled Banner" begins to play.)

Nate: (singing with Francis lip-syncing) O say can you see, by the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming...

Audience: (singing with Nate and Francis lip-syncing) Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight, o'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming? And the rocket's red glare.....

(Timecard: "After the assembly....")

Francis: (walking out of the auditorium with Nate) Well, Nate, I never thought I would say this, but that was a very genius idea back there.

Nate: Yeah, I really saved us, didn't I?

Francis: Well, why not avoid any more danger by not making us late for homeroom?

Nate: OK, where's homeroom?

Francis: It's in the social studies room, according to this class schedule on the back of the note Principal Nichols put on our locker. (shows Nate the class schedule)

Nate: "Homeroom with Mrs. Godfrey, social studies with Mrs. Godfrey"... Hmm, maybe this Mrs. Godfrey won't be as bad as the teachers we had in elementary school.

Francis: Probably because those other teachers you've made fun of in your drawings. I think it's good to give someone you first meet benefit of a doubt. Now c'mon, the bell's about to ring!

(Nate and Francis enter the social studies room just in time for the bell to ring)

Mrs. Godfrey: Welcome to 6th grade, Teddy... Welcome to 6th grade, Chad... Welcome to 6th grade, Dee Dee... Welcome to 6th grade, Gina... Oh hello! You must be the new boys, Nate and Francis.

Nate: Yep, that's us! You're Mrs. Godfrey, right?

Mrs. Godfrey: Yes. Welcome to P.S. 38! Please take your seats and listen to the homeroom announcements, then we start the class.

Francis: Thank you, Mrs. Godfrey.

(Nate and Francis start walking to their seats that literally each have a sign with one of their names on it, then a boy in a red sweater (Teddy) leans towards Nate)

Teddy: (whispering) Psst, hey, she's not that nice.

Mrs. Godfrey: TEDDY ORTIZ!! Is there something you'd like to share with the class?!

Teddy: Nothing, Mrs. Godfrey.

(Nate gulps and takes his seat)

Principal Nichols: (voice from speaker) Hello again! Attention please for the announcements of what's gonna happen this new school year. Mr. Staples has just formed a math team for anyone to join, we have chipped beef and green beans for today's lunch at the cafetorium, we have expanded the library with new books and libraries, and...

(voice fades out when Francis taps Nate's shoulder and passes him a note)

Francis (message from note): I'm bored.

(Nate writes a quick note and passes it to Francis)

Nate (message from note): Me too. Wanna hang out somewhere after school?

(Francis writes a quick note and passes it to Nate)

Francis (message from note): Sure. What should we do then?

(Nate is about to start writing a note, when....)

Mrs. Godfrey: For our first class today, we'll learn about Abraham Lincoln, and...

Gina: (peeking over Nate's shoulder) OOOH!!

Nate: Uh, who are you and what are you do-

Gina: MRS. GODFREY!! Nate and Francis are passing notes in class!

(Nate, in a panic, quickly writes his note)

Mrs. Godfrey: Thank you, Gina. Let's see what this "academically appropriate" note says! (snatches note from Nate, just in time for him to finish writing, and reads it)

Nate (message from note): Let's do any homework we get throughout the day. Shall we go to the public library?

Mrs. Godfrey: Here you go, Nate, you may pass it to Francis, if that's your intention. Feel free to continue your work. You too, Gina, there's more than just ratting out classmates! (walks back to blackboard)

Gina: (whispering to Nate) This isn't over, Nate. You better watch your every move while I'm watching you like a hawk. If you do anything bad, I'm telling. Got it?

Nate: (whispering) I'm sure you have better things to than being a suck-up tattletale goody-two--

Mrs. Godfrey: NATE!! (Nate turns around and gulps) You seem to be in a talkative mood today. Why not save it for this question: What was the famous first line of Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address?

(a thought balloon slide appears beside Nate of all of his elementary school social studies teachers)

Kindergarten social studies teacher: Four....

First grade social studies teacher: Score....

Second grade social studies teacher: And.....

Third grade social studies teacher: Seven....

Fourth grade social studies teacher: Years...

Fifth grade social studies teacher: Ago...

(thought balloon disappears)

Nate: Four score and seven years ago...

Mrs. Godfrey: Why that's correct, Nate! Well do-

Teddy: Hey you know what would be better? Four HIGH scores and seven LIVES ago!!

(The kids all start laughing while Nate and Teddy hi-5 each other)

Mrs. Godfrey: EVERYBODY QUIET!!!! (the kids stop laughing and sit on their seats silently) UNBELIEVABLE!! Interrupting the teacher, making a joke out of a fact, disrupting the class.... Teddy, you have just earned yourself after-school detention. Here's your slip! (gives Teddy a detention slip) And you too, Nate!! (gives Nate a detention slip)

Nate: ME?! WHY?!?

Mrs. Godfrey: For being Teddy's accomplice. Didn't I see you two hi-5 each other just now? Now you two stay quietly in your seats, and no more distractions! Now can anyone else answer this next question...

(time-card: "After class.....")

Teddy: (walking out of the classroom with Nate and Francis) Hey, uh... Nate, is it? Sorry about letting you have detention with me. I didn't Mrs. Godfrey would give you one as well.

Nate: Eh, it's no big deal. I enjoy that joke, it was hilarious! Anyway, I used to get a lot of detentions back in elementary school, so my dad won't be too surprised.

Teddy: Yeah but what would your father say about you getting detention on your first day of middle school? He probably doesn't want that to happen.

(Nate gasps and a thought balloon appears beside him, a flashback to the previous night in Nate's bedroom)

Mr. Wright: Goodnight, Nate! Don't let the detentions bite tomorrow. Seriously, the last thing I really need is any incidents on your first day of school. (exits room then peeks back in) Oh yeah, also cool it with the nighttime drawing. You need the sleep. (closes door)

(thought balloon disappears)

Nate: Good Lord, you're right, uhh...

Teddy: Teddy.

Nate: You're darn right, Teddy! What would my dad do if he finds out I have detention today of all days? (Nate 2-D drawing sequence begins) He could ban me from drawing.

Cartoon Mr. Wright: (dumping art supplies into woodchipper) You'll never draw again!

Cartoon Nate: NOOO!!!

Nate: He could take away my Cheez Doodles.

Cartoon Mr. Wright: (dumping Cheez Doodles into volcano) No more Cheez Doodles! EVER!!

Cartoon Nate: Not the Cheez Doodles!!

Nate: Or the worst of all, have my mouth stuffed with egg salad while figure skating with cats! The 3 things I freaking HATE!!! (Cartoon Nate muffle-screams while Cartoon Ellen & Mr. Wright laugh maniacally, then Nate 2-D drawing sequence ends)

Teddy: Chill, Nate! I don't think your dad would ever be that evil. Besides, we just need to make a plan for how we can escape detention. What's your friend's name?

Francis: Francis.

Nate: Well, maybe not Francis. He has never had detention before and masterminding a prison break would be too much for such a wuss.

Francis: HEY!!!

Nate: No offense, Francis. Anyway, we need a couple more people to trust us and help us escape, maybe even become our friends!

Teddy: Our friends?? Does this mean you're inviting me to your friend group?

Nate: Well it's more like a friend duo, but with you in, we would be like the 3 amigos! What do you think, Francis?

Francis: Well it seems risky, but I'm up for it! However, I prefer not to have too much involvement, and it would be bad to let our new friend down, so let's be careful.

Nate: OK, hands in. On three. 1, 2, 3...

Nate, Francis, Teddy: We're the 3 Amigos!!!

Francis: Let's finish our classes, starting with English.

(Next scene shows the English classroom door, then the English teacher Ms. Clarke)

Ms. Clarke: OK, class, hope you're doing well in the quiz I've assigned you all to test your English knowledge from elementary school before we start building up further in this grade.

Nate: I've finished mine!

Ms. Clarke: Really? Let me see. (reads the paper Nate gives her) Hmmm... Good, good. A couple spelling and grammar mistakes, but other than that, your potential is used quite well. Very nice!

Nate: Thanks, Ms. Clarke! I guess it pays to do good.

Ms. Clarke: "Do well", but never mind that. Carry on!

(Next scene shows the art classroom door, then the art teacher Mr. Rosa)

Mr. Rosa: For your first art class, we're gonna try figure painting, where some of you model for the class while the others paint. The first model you're gonna paint is... Jenny!

Jenny: Right here, Mr. Rosa!

Nate: (eyes go big and lovestruck) (mumbling) So beautiful... So sexy... This girl's a goddess...

Mr. Rosa: Nate, you look eager to start. Why don't you start drawing her?

Nate: Oh, um, sure, Mr. Rosa! I can definitely do that. Yes I can..

(quick montage of Nate painting)

Mr. Rosa: Hey Nate, can I see for a second? Oh wow, this is amazing! You've done the painting really well.

Nate: Thanks, I just finished it! I can't wait for Jenny to see this.

Mr. Rosa: I agree. Jenny, you may stop posing now. Come here and look at Nate's painting of you! (whispers to Nate) You're about to get your A, Nate.

Nate: YES!!! (accidentally splashes his bucket of paint on the painting, covering most of it in a black mess) Oh crud...

Mr. Rosa: Wait here, I'll get some paper towels.

Jenny: Hello, Nate, how does the painting- Wait.... Is this supposed to be ME!?!

Nate: Uh... Yes! No!! Er.... Well-

(Jenny takes the painting and hits Nate with it, his head going through the painting, then walks towards a certain Belarusian kid)

Artur: Jenny! I finished painting you. What you thinks?

Jenny: (happily gasps) I love it, Artur, my honey bucket! So much better than that jerk who made an abomination of me. Wanna have lunch together like we've always done in our relationship?

Artur: Ooh yes!! This fun will be!

(Artur and Jenny hold hands, which shows that they're dating, and Nate feels heartbroken after witnessing; a drawing of a heart broken in two can be seen in the background wall to fit with Nate's mood)

Mr. Rosa: Here are some paper towels, Nate. Annnnd looks like I gotta get some more.

(time-card: "After class.....")

Nate: (walking out of the classroom with Teddy and Francis) So I enjoy art class, even though the end of it sucked. One of these days, Jenny will be mine and not that Artur kid's...

Francis: Oh brother...

Randy: Hi-lo, Nate! Nice to meet you, my name is Randy!

Nate: Hello, Randy. Isn't that the proper word, "Hello", not "Hi-lo"?

Randy: No. High.... (wedgies Nate)

Nate: My undies!

Randy: LOW!!! (pants Nate, revealing Nate's wedgied butt)

Nate: My butt!! (crowd laughs)

Randy: See you later, Butthurts!!

Nate: (adjusts himself and puts pants on) Hey, that's fr- (realizes Francis is next to him) uh... just rude. Yeah, that's no way to treat someone you've just met! Man, I need to think of a good comeback and...

Francis: Something to reduce the embarrassment?

Nate: Exactly. Maybe something heroic during lunch....

(The 3 amigos walk in the cafetorium)

Francis: Holy cow!! This place is packed! Even more than the cafeteria in our elementary school!

Teddy: Well this is a highly populated school after all. Let's find a good table...

(The 3 amigos try to find a good table, walking past the rough jock table, the icy girl table, and the fantasy nerd table, until they found a table where the only occupant is an obese boy in a sweater with a smiley face on it, eating a lot)

Nate: Excuse me, do you mind if we sit here? We're having trouble finding a table to sit at.

Chad: Oh hello! Please go ahead! I'm just enjoying my fried chicken and ice cream sandwich I've brought from home.

Nate: From home?! Oh no..

Chad: What?

Nate: I forgot to stick my lunch into my backpack.

Teddy: I've got you covered, dude. I've brought some leftovers from dinner at a Mexican restaurant; nachos and a toastie!

Nate: Wow, looks yummy! Thanks, Teddy!

Teddy: No problem! I also have a bit of money. Want me to get you something from the snack machine?

Nate: Yes please! Check if there's any Cheez Doodles.

Teddy: Gotcha. (starts heading to the vending machine)

Francis: I'm gonna get some hot lunch over there.

Nate: OK, but try not to get poisoned. That stuff's freaking gross! They'll make you go-

Chad: ACK!!!

Nate: Exactly, Chad! You'll ended up gagging and.... (turns around to see Chad choking) CHOKING!!! You're choking!! Don't give up on me!! (tries to do the heimlich manuever on him, but to no success) It's not working!! You're too fat!! No offense, but still!

(Meanwhile, Teddy is getting the Cheez Doodles he paid for from the vending machine)

Dee Dee: Me me me me....

Teddy: Hmmm, where is this singing from? (turns around to see a girl in a green sweater dress, standing on a table and singing)

Dee Dee: Future star Dee Dee here. Pay attention to me! (jumps up on top of a drinking fountain) Me!! (jumps up on top of the vending machine) MEEE!!!

Teddy: Oh, it's the president of the Drama Club. DEE DEE!! What the heck are you doing up there!? Get down there, you're gonna-

Dee Dee: (slips off the top of the vending machine and falls) AAAAAH!!!!!!

Teddy: ....Fall. I'll save you, Dee Dee!!

(Meanwhile, Nate is still panicking about Chad choking and losing breath)

Nate: Oh my God, oh my God!! What to do?? (notices food-tray, grabs it, and lifts it high and back)

(The scene is cropped in half, with the other half of the screen showing Teddy rescuing Dee Dee. At the same time as Nate slaps the tray on Chad's back making the latter regurgitate the chicken bone he was choking on, Teddy catches Dee Dee just before she hits the ground. Then the Nate and Chad scene fills up the screen again. Everyone cheers.)

Nate: Yes! My reputation is restored as a hero. I mean, are you OK, boy?

Chad: That's the last time I try eating a chicken bone! You saved my life!

Nate: You're welcome.

Chad: My name is Chad. You're that Nate guy, right?

Nate: Yep. Ask me for an autograph anytime!

Chad: ...OK. How about I just hang out with you and your friends?

Nate: That's good too.

(Scene switches to near the vending machine again)

Dee Dee: Oh thank you! You truly are my hero, uh...

Teddy: Teddy. So, Dee Dee, care to join us at our lunch table?

Dee Dee: Oh I would love to!

Teddy: Great! But no drama business that could get you killed, please.

Dee Dee: Got it, Teddy.

(Teddy and Dee Dee head back to the table, so does Francis)

Francis: Hey, you're right about the food being gross, Nate. I had to throw it away while no one was looking. Not quite something I would normally do, but I had no choice. Anyway, what did I miss?

Nate: Oh hey, Francis! This kid who let us sit here, his name's Chad. I saved him from choking on a chicken bone. Chad, this is Francis.

Chad: Hi!

Teddy: And this is Dee Dee, the president of the Drama Club. I saved her from falling off a vending machine during one of her "musical moments". Dee Dee, say hello to Francis.

Dee Dee: Hello. Hello! HELLOOO!!

Nate: So Francis, you up to expanding our friend group into a fivesome?

Francis: Why not? The more, the merrier. Wait, what about our plan?

Nate: What plan? Oh that's right! Chad, Dee Dee, we need your help! Teddy and I got detention, and my dad might kill me if he finds out, since it's my first day in this school. Can you please help us?

Teddy: We will pay you back with some good weekend hangouts.

Chad: I don't know. I've never had detention before.

Dee Dee: Me neither, but it should be worth helping our new friends, right?

Chad: OK, let's do it!

Nate: Hands in, gang. On five. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

Nate, Francis, Teddy, Chad, and Dee Dee: We're the Awesome Fivesome!!!!!

Nate: All right, so here's the plan....

(Next scene shows the gym entrance, then the PE teacher Coach Calhoun)

Coach Calhoun: So who here likes SOCCER?! (holds soccerball for the kids to see)

(silence and crickets)

Nate: (raises hand) Coach Calhoun, I'm new to this school and haven't play soccer before. What is it?

Coach Calhoun: Oh, soccer... The Brits' football, popularized here in America. Each player has to get the ball into the other team's goal, mainly with their feet, no hands or arms, and the goalkeeper has to catch it. Let's take it to the soccer field, shall we? (scene switches to the soccer field) Now every game starts a beginning move known as the kick-off. Observe! (miscalculating his foot's distance to the ball, he slips on the ball that sends him flying off the field and crashing into the bleachers off-screen) Ugh... Call the substitute coach....and an ambulance.

(next scene shows Coach Calhoun being wheeled on a stretcher into an ambulance)

Nate: Poor Coach...

Francis: Indeed.

Nate: Well, whoever the substitute is, he can't be too bad.

Coach John: TURN AROUND AND FACE ME, MAGGOTS!! (the kids do what he said) I'm your substitute coach, Coach John. I'll be around whenever Coach Calhoun is unavailable. Now if you don't wanna repeat his mistake or end up in the hospital, what should you do?

Nate: Forfeit?

Coach John: Very funny, porcupine head. So do any of you like running?

Kids: No. Not really. I don't run. Never.

Chad: My grandma is making me train for a run.

Nate: CHAD!!

Coach John: OOOH, training, is it!? Well you're definitely gonna train a lot with these gassers you're gonna run! LINE UP!! 10 laps, each from one goal to the other and back! Ready, set, GO!! RUN RUN RUN!!!

(the kids start running)

Francis: I thought this was gym class, not a military academy.

Teddy: My legs are gonna turn to jelly after all this, man!

Chad: At least I'll be all ready for that run!

Nate: Zip it, Chad.

Coach John: FASTER, YOU WORMS!!!!

(next scene shows the 3 Amigos and Chad limping to math class, still sweating even after showering and having their school clothes on)

Teddy: Finally, we can sit down on those chairs and rest our legs.

Nate: UGH, I wasn't so good at math in elementary school. I could barely get any math problems right.

Francis: Oh c'mon, Nate, it's supposed to be easy. How bad can your math knowledge be?

(time-card: "30 / 2 minutes later... (do the math!)")

Mr. Staples: OK, class, here are some math problems for you to test your English knowledge from elementary school before we start building up further in this grade. I'm sure one of you can solve this first math problem, 2 + 2. Who would like to write the answer on the blackboard? Any volunteers?

Francis: (whispering) Psst. Nate! This is your chance to show what you've got in math. It can't be too bad!

Nate: OK, Francis, keep your shirt on. (raises hand) Mr. Staples, I'd like to answer that question.

Mr. Staples: Ah, good! Come on up, Nate.

Nate: (picks up chalk and writes "2 + 2 = 22") HA, easy peasy! Do I pass?

(all the kids laugh, except Francis who face-palms)

Mr. Staples: (face-palms as well) Back to your seat please, Nate. Everyone settle down!! (the class stops laughing) Let's go to the next problem, 9 + 10. Who would like to write the answer on the blackboard?

Gina: (frantically raises hand) OOH!! OOH-OOH-OOH!!!

Nate: Jeez, Gina, chill! What are you, a monkey?

Mr. Staples: Ah, good! Come on up, Gina.

Francis: (whispering) "2 + 2 = 22", what a stupid answer, Nate. I should tutor you more.

Nate: (whispering) Let's focus now on what Gina's gonna write. Probably "9 + 10 = 21"...

Gina: All done!

(Nate turns to see Gina and Mr. Staples, and drops his jaw)

Mr. Staples: "9 + 10 = 19" Very good, Gina! You even showed your work. I'll give your answer an A+ and an opportunity to request what you would like to do in later classes.

Gina: Pfft, basic math is way too easy peasy! I know a lot of algebra, geometry, trigonometry, and calculus, so I prefer to explore more of those instead.

Mr. Staples: OK! Algebra, geometry, trigonometry, and calculus it is then, for the whole class!!

Nate: WHAT?!?!

Mr. Staples: Prepare for more homework, quizzes, and tests involving those subjects, gang! You may head back to your seat, Gina.

Gina: Thank you, Mr. Staples. (heads back to her seat, then whispers to Nate) Hope those subjects load up your pea-sized brain, Nate. "2 + 2 = 22", oh how hilarious!

Nate: (whispering) Shut it, needle nose. My first day in this school and meeting you, and you're already making my life suck.

Gina: (whispering) Aw, that's too bad. For you, anyway! I'm still watching you though, so look out, you little-

(bell rings, next scene shows the science classroom door, then the science teacher Mr. Galvin)

Mr. Galvin: For your first science class, we're gonna observe the growth of plants to note the growth difference between the beginning of the class and the end. Each of you will have a small bean plant to start with. (passes potted bean plants to the kids) Each of you show your plants' growth process at the end of class, people.

(time-card: "15 BORING minutes later...")

Nate: (whispering to Francis) This is the most boring assignment ever. You know the expression, "As boring as watching plants grow"? We're literally doing the expression!

Francis: (whispering to Nate) I think it's "watching grass grow", not "plants". Anyway, yes it's boring, but what can you do about it?

Nate: I'll show you. (raises hand) Mr. Galvin, do you mind if I sing to my plant?

Mr. Galvin: Sing??

Nate: Yeah, I heard that singing is as healthy as water and sunlight for plants, so this could help keep them alive.

Mr. Galvin: I'm not quite sure that's accurate, but eh, why not?

Nate: Great! OK, everyone, all quiet down and rise please! (starts standing on his chair)

Mr. Galvin: Nate, what in God's name are you doing!? This isn't the assem-

Nate: (singing) O say can you see, by the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming...

(All the bean plants wilt and die, and the kids let out a disgruntled groan)

Dee Dee: NOOOOOOO!!!! My bean plant died!!! WHY ME!? WHY!?! WHY!?!?

Mr. Galvin: (puts his hand on Dee Dee's shoulder while she's crying) It's OK, Dee Dee. At least your plant will reunite with its friends in bean plant heaven. (walks towards Nate) As for you, Nate, I think it would be good if you move to the desk at the back and stay quiet. If I hear one more peep out of you, I'll give you detention, got it?

Nate: Yes, Mr. Galvin. (moves to the desk at the back)

Mr. Galvin: Anyway, due to some difficulties, we'll instead learn about what keeps plants alive and what kills them.

Nate: (thinking) At least it's better than watching plants grow.

(time-card: "After class.....")

Nate: (walking out of the classroom with the rest of the gang) Sorry all about my plant-murdering singing just now.

Francis: Don't worry about it, Nate. Learning about keeping plants dead or alive is far more interesting than watching grass- I mean, plants grow.

Nate: Yeah, but I felt bad about making some of you cry.

Dee Dee: Oh, that? I often get really emotional when something even remotely bad happens, then quickly I get over it, so the sabotage of my bean plant assignment wasn't so much of a big deal.

Nate: So, still friends?

Dee Dee: Of course.

Teddy: Great, so we still got the plan, right?

Nate: What pla- Oh shoot! I almost forgot our detention breakout plan. While Teddy and I go to detention, Dee Dee, you do your drama thing to distract Principal Nichols when he's inspecting the halls.

Dee Dee: Fabulous!

Nate: Chad, while the principal is distracted, you sneak a fleeceball bat out of the gym.

Chad: Roger!

Nate: My name's Nate, not Roger, but OK. Francis, you wait for us outside near the detention room window.

Francis: OK, but please don't get us screwed. My honor roll shall be intact!

Nate: Got it, Francis. Let's boogie! (he and Teddy walk into the detention room)

Mrs. Czerwicki: Hello, Teddy. Here for detention?

Teddy: Yes, Mrs. Czerwicki.

Mrs. Czerwicki: And...oh hello! You must be the new boy, Nate.

Nate: Yep! You're Mrs. Czerwicki, right?

Mrs. Czerwicki: Yes. Hope you had a good first day in P.S. 38, other than the detention you've received. Your slips please, boys. (reads the detention slips Nate and Teddy gave to her) Hmmm... OK, you boys may take your seats. If you'll excuse me, I gotta go back to reading my romance novel, "Hearts Lost in War" by Vanessa Vavoom.

(time-card: 10 minutes later...)

Nate: (noticing Mrs. Czerwicki asleep and Dee Dee in the hall outside) (whisper-shouting) She's out cold. Do your thing, Dee Dee!

(Dee Dee gives Nate a thumbs-up)

Principal Nichols: Hi, Dee Dee! Heading back home?

Dee Dee: Yep! See you tomorrow, P-Princi- Ooohhh...

Principal Nichols: Dee Dee, are you OK?

Dee Dee: I feel woozy... Principal Nichols, I don't feel so good... (collapses and lies still)

Principal Nichols: Oh god! DEE DEE!!! (picks her up) I'll take you to the nurse's office right away. Don't give up on me!

(Chad notices Principal Nichols carrying Dee Dee to the nurse's office then sneaks into the gym)

Mrs. Albert: (noticing Principal Nichols with Dee Dee) Hello, Mr. Nichols. What can I do for you?

Principal Nichols: Thank God you haven't gone home yet, Mrs. Albert. Dee Dee just fainted when she was saying goodbye to me!

Mrs. Albert: Oh dear. Don't a lot of kids get tired by the end of the school day?

Principal Nichols: Yeah, but not straight-up pass out just like that. This could be a serious issue!

(While Mrs. Albert and Principal Nichols are busy talking, Chad waves to Dee Dee with the fleeceball bat he snuck out from the gym, and Dee Dee stealthily jumps out of the principal's arms and runs off)

Mrs. Albert: I think the best thing to do is to call her parents and ask her to take her back home, and if it is something serious, they'll take her to the hospital.

Principal Nichols: That's a good solution.

Mrs. Albert: Or she could send herself home.

Principal Nichols: Huh? (realizes Dee Dee is gone) Hey, where did she go??

(scene switches to Chad and Dee Dee fast-walking into the detention room)

Chad: (whisper-shouting) Nate, get it! (rolls bat towards Nate)

Nate: (whispering) Thanks, man. (pats Chad on back) You and Dee Dee are life-savers.

Chad: (whispering) Yeah, what are friends for?

Dee Dee: (whispering) Now get out there. The world is your oyster!

Teddy: (whispering) Eww, I hate oysters. (slight laugh)

Nate: (whispering) Shhh! Let's go. (smashes window and silently sneaks out with Teddy)

Mrs. Czerwicki: (wakes up then notices Chad, Dee Dee, the fleeceball bat, and the smashed window) CHAD!! DEE DEE!!! Did you break that window!? (Chad and Dee Dee nod yes) Wow, you're worse than Nate and Teddy. I'll let them off the hook, but you two will have detention right now, taking their place!

Chad and Dee Dee: Yes, Mrs. Czerwicki. (both head to their seats) Worth it! (fist-bump each other)

Mrs. Czerwicki: No talking!

(scene switches to Nate and Teddy outside with Francis)

Francis: Well it seems like you two managed to get through that crazy plan.

Nate: Yep. So our new friend group is still on, right?

Francis: Sure, but please don't do any madness like that again.

Nate: So, shall we head home?

Francis: Indeed.

Teddy: Let's see if the ice cream truck is in the neighborhood.

(scene switches to Nate entering his house)

Nate: I'm home!

Mr. Wright: Hi, Nate! Supper will be ready soon. You had a good first day of school?

Nate: It was OK. (puts down his backpack, walks up to his room, and looks out his window) More than OK..

(scene zooms out to a bird's eye view of Nate's neighborhood including P.S. 38 during sunset. As the episode irises out, Dee Dee appears out of nowhere and grabs the iris.)

Dee Dee: And that's what's shakin', bacon!

Chad: (appears as well) Did somebody say bacon?!

(end of episode)