Profile: Gollum

Gollum is a GoComics user that has been on the site since 2015. He is known to be very vocal about his opinions and sarcastic. He used to read Big Nate but it declined in quality so much that he only read it to comment on the strip. By January 2018, he had lost interest in both the comment section and Big Nate entirely. He has stopped reading Big Nate and the comments but is still active on the wiki.

Gollum is currently co-admin of the Big Nate Comment Section Wiki and has a blog under his real name.

Early Life
Gollum enjoyed newspaper comics a lot. He read Garfield and Calvin and Hobbes for a while until he realised that no, he was not living in a time loop, Garfield is just repetitive as hell. He once read every Calvin and Hobbes strip syndicated when he was sick.

He came across Big Nate when he was 11 years old and loved it. He made a GoComics account the following year.

After a while of posting drivel like, "First", "Lincoln Peirce, you're the greatest cartoonist ever", "It's my birthday" he finally came to his senses when he was about 13.

Not only was Big Nate going down the toilet but so was the comment section. He had to do something.

The Poll War
Gollum fought in many battles in The Poll War to ensure that Mrs. Godfrey stop spamming the comment section with unrelated polls. Trapper Clicker opened a wiki for the comment section in the midst of this. Smartly named "The Big Nate Comment Section Wiki" this was Gollum's big break.

He wrote an article called "The Poll War (From War Correspondent Gollum)". It was a surprise hit and a lot of people found it funny.

Self esteem boosted +50%.

He did a couple revisions along the way (because Mrs. Godfrey vandalized the page) but his job was done."Now to start moving traffic to my site tydavidsonblog.wordpress.com" he said.

At one point, the Poll War article was the most visited on the wiki, with over a hundred comments. Times were good.

Interwar Months
Gollum was happy writing his blog to like, the three people that read it and hadn't even thought of the Big Nate comment section. One day, he got a comment on his blog from the noble commenter BiggerNate91, who told him that the comment section was in jeopardy again and that he made some edits to the Poll War article.

Great edits by the way man.

He stayed on the wiki and sussed out the situation. He didn't go to the comment section till the first of December where he was welcomed back by some of the old commenters.

"Home at last," he said.

Poll War II
There was a second poll war, but like America in World War 1, Gollum stayed the hell out of the fight until the very end to take credit for everything at the end when the enemy was already badly beaten.

No offense to any Americans though.

He stayed mainly on the wiki guarding the articles and trolling MartySays. Then he thought that he should reinforce his brothers and sisters (some of you are girls right?) on the Big Nate front. He did so.

He finally got sick of fighting with MartySays on both the comment section and on the wiki. Following BiggerNate's advice, Gollum wrote a peace treaty for MartySays. He accepted the conditions and stopped vandalizing the wiki.

Poll War 2 ended when MartySays got banned from GoComics for good and a peace treaty was signed.

Trolling MartySays
Gollum loves trolling, really, he does, HE EATS IT UP. The Poll War article is already subliminal trolling but the main trolling came when a user named Ken Suzorii (apparently MartySays) deleted his article about Big Nate parodies for his website and told him to talk about the comment section. Dude! Of all people to talk about off topic stuff!

Gollum replied in typical Gollum-like fashion and wrote a long answer stating that Ken should have told him before deleting the article and it's not like he was advertising anything THAT off topic like, Gollum's Hot Dogs or something.

And so it began.

He wrote a mock article advertising Gollum's organic hot dogs with a link to order at his website.

He trolled MartySays some more in the comments of the wiki by using logic, reason and some foul language. It was fun, but it got hard after a while. MartySays seemed to be immune to any trolling and it was worrying. What could Gollum do? He decided to puss out and boycott the wiki. he wrote a Lorax thing for MartySays (after insulting him in multiple languages including Russian, Chinese, German, Japanese and Arabic).

This was not the way to go out was it? It would mean that MartySays had won, which is the exact opposite of what he wanted! What to do? What to do...

What are MartySays weaknesses?

His ego.

The guy has an ego bigger than a twelve story apartment and it gave Gollum an idea.

A mischievous and wicked idea.

He made a joke account pretending to be MartySays, complete with a fake bio and everything. The bio read:

"Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Polls are love!"

"Polls are life!" "Watch out moronic simpletons, MartySays is here! With my superior intellect and unbiased views, I will save the Big Nate Comment Section! And I won't let that charlatan Gollum tell me any different!""Simpering gnats!"-Gollum, pretending to be MartySays

The term simpering gnats is a reference to a 60's Fantastic Four villain named Mole Man.

In the "where I live" part of the bio, Gollum put in "a remote volcano lair with a self destruct button" referencing Blofeld in the James Bond franchise.

He also put MartySays name as Marty "Incredible Super Genius" Says.

"People will totally understand this is just a big joke and it's obviously Gollum!" said an all too expecting Gollum. "What could possibly go wrong?"

Temporary Banishment
Everything.

Everything could go wrong, past Gollum. Apparently I was too trusting of my Big Nate Comment Section comrades and thought that they could get the joke.

Except BiggerNate91.

I'm not even religious but God bless him. He was the only one that got the joke! He said

"No, the one called MartySays is actually Gollum playing a joke."

-BiggerNate91 Gollum enjoyed the reactions from the real MartySays (one was "Someone ban this noob, he's not me.")

Ha!

Like we're going to pander to you, MartySays! What the hell BiggerNate91, I thought you were cool. Moving past that, Gollum had a generally good time. He was so high from the trolling that he couldn't concentrate on the movie he watched that day. It was Murder On The Orient Express for the record. It was okay, not great. Oh and spoiler alert, it's the dog that kills Johnny Depp.



His high was ruined when he returned home and saw that he couldn't comment. Even as Gollum! What happened? It turns out he was banned by Trapper Clicker for vandalism.

"This must have been a misunderstanding!" he thought. "It was so obviously a joke! All I did was comment stupid stuff pretending to be MartySays!"

Nah.

It turns out that Trapper Clicker was tipped off by a user named Positive Elixir Trade.

So why did-

Wait.

It all makes sense now.

Positive Elixir Trade accidentally thought I was serious when I pretended to be MartySays as a joke.

"'Polls are LOVE! Polls are LIFE!'"

HOLY CRAP IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

Gollum switched wifis and logged into his Gollum account. He wrote to Trapper Clicker and got him to unban him. Damn it! He had to tell him on his message wall that he was the joke MartySays and the real one was using a public "FANDOM user" account.

"Man," thought Gollum. "I must be an excellent writer."

Self esteem boosted +20%

Then his secret was out. No more jokes now because everyone knew.

Gollum went over to the Big Nate comment section.

Oh God.

Gollum face palmed so hard that he was hospitalized for a few hours. No way were people that oblivious. No way. But apparently they were! God :(

He had to set the record straight: Gollum is the joke MartySays, not the real one.

Some guys thought it was a good joke :0

But it continued. It turns out that Positive Elixir Trade was a bit slow. And hey hey hey, I've got the perfect song for that!

Gollum was the joke MartySays. You're the one that caused this whole freaking kerfuffle and prompted the identity reveal! Jeez Louise.

Relationships With Other Commenters
Gollum has a variety of different relationships in the Big Nate comments and unfortunately not all of them are positive

Relationship with BiggerNate91
Gollum considers himself best e-friends with his co-admin BiggerNate despite getting off on the wrong foot in Poll War 1 (when Gollum called BiggerNate a "butthurt whiner" because "ooh, the edginess"). They have been allies since the interwar period and have swapped Photoshop edits and have generally been respectful to each other. They are like the Good Cop/Bad Cops of the wiki, with BiggerNate being the good cop and Gollum being the bad cop like illustrated below:

Relationship with Meme Squad (or Temmie Gamer)
When Gollum saw Meme Squad's Polish Jerry avatar he instantly liked him. Here was another meme connoisseur in the Big Nate comment section! Gollum got to know Meme Squad a little better after he got banned and spent more time on the wiki. He is like minded and (aside from swearing at MartySays) is pretty chill. Gollum enjoys Temmie Gamer's memes and is grateful for his contribution to the meme dumps on the wiki.

Relationship with Trapper Clicker (or CrocNRoll)
Gollum and Trapper Clicker served together in Poll War 1 and 2 before Trapper Clicker had enough of MartySays and the wiki and entrusted Gollum and BiggerNate with the responsibility.

Gollum considered Trapper Clicker to be his ally in Poll War 1 and (I assume) Trapper Clicker thought the same, which helped him in his decision to make Gollum an admin.

Relationship With MartySays (I'm not listing out his other names)
Gollum had an antagonistic relationship with MartySays from the get go. As soon as he came back on the wiki during Poll War 2, a user named "Ken Suzorii" (apparently MartySays) deleted his article and told him to advertise his blog somewhere else. Gollum was pissed and wrote a parody article about his organic hot dogs that could be ordered at his website (not really). This began the frequent quarrels between MartySays and Gollum. Gollum disliked MartySays' attacks on the wiki and overall personality. He trolled him as a fake MartySays on the wiki but got banned because Positive Elixir Trade thought he was the real MartySays.

The trolling continued on the wiki and they fought in the comment section as well. Howeveer at this point things have cooled down and MartySays and Gollum are on okay terms.

Relationship with Meme Machine 1.0
Gollum and Meme Machine get along well due to Meme Machine being easy going and thoughtful. He is similar to Temmie Gamer in that respect because he's just a really chill guy who has a similar thought process to Gollum.

While Meme Machine's memes might not be top notch, Gollum is still glad to see his contributions to the meme dumps.

Relationship with 0a1s2d3f4g5h
Gollum generally has a good relationship with 0a1s2d3f4g5h but that was derailed with The Hev1 War due to their difference in opinion. Gollum thinks that 0a1s2d3f4g5h doesn't think deeper about things and takes them at face value while 0a1s2d3f4g5h thinks that Gollum is childish when it comes to Hev1. However, since the conflict has been resolved they are on good terms again.

Relationship with Hockey17
Gollum has gotten on well with Hockey17. She has similar opinions to him and even when she disagrees she is always polite and respectful. She also comes across as a nice person generally.

Relationship with 10/10
Gollum disliked 10/10 when he was known as ComedyMe back in Poll War 1 because he was annoying (I can't remember) but he likes him now. They get on well and 10/10 reads his blog.

Relationship with Tue Elung Jensen
Gollum does not like Tue Elung Jensen because he is over analyses people's comments and sounds very rude in his replies. He probably does not like Gollum either. Gollum tries to avoid Tue Elung Jensen at all costs.

Relationship with 7oclock
Gollum was okay with 7oclock but was annoyed that he wouldn't listen to his opinions about why Hev1 is a troll. 7oclock was investigated and found out to be posing as Hev1 on the wiki and he later admitted to having an account in the comment section kissing Hev1's butt as Mrs. Godfrey. But, since 7oclock had explained himself, Gollum, true to his word, left him alone. They are on okay terms now.

Relationship with Hev1
Gollum has a semi-antagonistic relationship with Hev1, meaning he doesn't really like him. Hev1 is known to make comments about obvious things in the comments and that really grinds Gollum's gears.

This distaste for Hev1 began on December 12th, 2017 when Gollum made a thought out comment thinking about Nate's future which received 8 likes.

Hev1 on the other hand, received 22 likes and featured comment for this work of art:"Nate is heartless"-Hev1, December 12th, 2017. Just as Gollum was about to break out the noose, he got an idea. He decided to parody Hev1's commenting style and got featured!

His relationship with Hev1 was similar to the one between the USA and the USSR. A commenting arms race to see who could get featured comment and the most likes. Gollum disliked Hev1's methods of getting featured, which started the whole thing.

This distaste eventually became the basis of The Hev1 War.

The Hev1 War
For more information on this event, see The Hev1 War (from War Correspondent Gollum) and The Hev1 Conspiracies

On January 6th, 2018. the Hev1 Cold War turned hot and was fought for a few days. Gollum trolled the comments as "Gollum1" with a profile picture like Hev1's (except with Gollum's face on it). The trolling consisted of making long, "thoughtful" comments and parodying Hev1's inflated vocabulary by using fake words. Gollum ended up winning by default when he exposed Hev1's use of alt accounts (such as Sagacious Polyhistor, The Antithesis, etc.). He made a celebratory video on his vimeo account:

The Final Departure
After the Hev1 War, Gollum finally started to realize that he, too, was succumbing to the spamming. He also decided that Big Nate just wasn't good anymore. So on January 24th, 2018, he announced his leave. He left this comment:"Well, I’ve come to this again. I remember last time I made a comment like this was just before Poll War 1! Anywho, I just want to say sorry for anything I’ve done, whether it’s spam, complain, insult, etc. I am doing this because I’m leaving Big Nate forever. I’ve gotten to sucked into this and I am too tired of making a fool of myself by arguing with ignorant people. I think I have overstayed my welcome and nobody likes me anymore. I mean, you either get banned a hero or live long enough to become a spammer. I have become the latter. This site is also providing minimal flow to my blog and I am thinking of expanding to writing forums, Battlefield forums and graphic novel forums for things more suited to my blog content. Big thanks to BiggerNate91, Meme Machine, Meme Squad, Hockey17, Rayantarar and 10/10 for always standing by me. this is “War Correspondent” Gollum, signing out for good."-Gollum, January 24th, 2018

This comment got featured and received over 25 replies, including this one from BiggerNate91:"Dude, I like you! Gollum, you are my favourite commenter out of everybody here! You always have been! Remember when I said you saw me as an e-friend? Well, so do I. You are the commenter I respect the most and I don’t want you to leave. You’re even the commenter who’s kept me here this entire time. So what if you started spamming? MartySays changed, and you can change back too, especially since you did before. You brought something special to the comment section. That something special inspired me, and now I’m one of the most well-known commenters like you. Look how far we’ve come! All I can say is, if you leave the comment section, don’t leave the wiki. I don’t want to stop chatting with you. You’re my friend, Gollum, and I want you to at least stay on the wiki. Do this for me, okay?"-BiggerNate91, January 24, 2018

Gollum has seen this, and he has confirmed that he is staying on the wiki.

Things Gollum Likes
Gollum is very interested in writing, World War 1 and 2 and satire. Satire is his home base, it's been with him his whole life. A lot f his writings (including The Poll War article) are satirical at heart. Here is a list of random things that Gollum likes:
 * Writing
 * Satire
 * World War 1 and 2
 * Painting plastic soldiers
 * Battlefield 1
 * Girls
 * Calvin and Hobbes
 * The Far Side
 * Movies
 * Saving Private Ryan
 * Girls
 * Comics
 * Superheroes
 * Bon Scott era AC/DC
 * Writing superhero satires with WW1 and 2 references in them +triple points
 * Trolling
 * Gas Masks
 * Star Wars
 * The Kinks
 * Adding stuff to the Comment Section Wiki
 * Hearts of Iron IV
 * National Anthem Of The USSR trap remix
 * History
 * Dan Carlin Podcasts
 * Girls
 * Soundtracks
 * Daisy Ridley's gorgeous face
 * Music from 1950 - 1989
 * Jiu Jitsu

Gollum's Taste In Music
Gollum has a weird taste in music. While most of it is rock and pop, there can be some outliers that don't fit the overall playlist. These are the songs that Gollum has on his playlist as of February 2018. The bold ones are the recommeded songs. They're some lesser known gems.
 * All Day And All Of The Night - The Kinks
 * All You Need Is Love - The Beatles
 * American Pie - Don McLean
 * Another Day Of Sun - La La Land Cast
 * Apeman - The Kinks
 * Bad Moon Rising - Creedence Clearwater Revival
 * Battlefield 1 Theme Orchestral - True Pac
 * Berlin Boys And Stuttgart Girls - Viktor And Die Vokalisten
 * Blitzkrieg Bop - The Ramones
 * Boom Boom - Ralph Becker
 * Brandy (You're A Fine Girl) - Looking Glass
 * California Girls - The Beach Boys
 * Cocaine Blues - Johnny Cash
 * Come A Little Bit Closer - Jay And The Americans
 * Come Fly With Me - Frank Sinatra
 * Come Together - The Beatles
 * Danke Schoen - Wayne Newton
 * Day Tripper - The Beatles
 * Dazed And Confused - Led Zeppelin
 * Death Of A Clown - The Kinks
 * Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap - ACDC
 * Do It Again - The Beach Boys
 * Don't Stop Me Now - Queen
 * Don't You (Forget About Me) - Simple Minds
 * Every Breath You Take - The Police
 * Flight Of The Valkryies - Richard Wagner
 * Fly Me To The Moon - Frank Sinatra
 * Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash
 * Fortunate Son - Creedence Clearwater Revival
 * Gimme Shelter - The Rolling Stones
 * Go All The Way - The Raspberries
 * God's Gonna Cut You Down - Johnny Cash
 * Heartbreaker - Led Zeppelin
 * Help! - The Beatles
 * Higher And Higher - Cold Chisel
 * House Of The Rising Sun - The Animals
 * House Of The Rising Sun - Wilbert Eckhart And The Volmusik Stars
 * I Can't Explain - The Who
 * I Got A Name - Jim Croce
 * I See Fire - Ed Sheeran
 * I Walk The Line - Johnny Cash
 * I Want To Hold Your Hand - The Beatles
 * If I Tried - Birocratic
 * It's A Long Way To The Top If You Wanna Rock And Roll - ACDC
 * It's Been A Hard Day's Night - The Beatles
 * Jumpin' Jack Flash - The Rolling Stones
 * Jungle Love - Steve Miller Band
 * Killer Queen - Queen
 * Kylo Ren Main Theme - John Williams
 * Let's Spend The Night Together - The Rolling Stones
 * Live Wire (Paris 1979 version) - ACDC
 * Lola - The Kinks
 * Misirlou - Dick Dale And The Del-Tones
 * Mond, Mond, Ja, Ja - Die Kafer
 * Mr. Sandman - Four Aces
 * My Generation - The Who
 * My Way - Frank Sinatra
 * National Anthem Of The USSR - Alexander Vasilyevich Alexandrov
 * Nowhere To Run - Martha And The Vandellas
 * Paint It Black - The Rolling Stones
 * Proud Mary - Creedence Clearwater Revival
 * Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People
 * Rasputin - Boney M.
 * Revolution - The Score
 * Riff Raff - ACDC
 * Rock 'N' Roll Singer - ACDC
 * Rocket Man - Elton John
 * Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
 * She Loves You - The Beatles
 * Somebody To Love - Jefferson Airplane
 * Someday Never Comes - Creedence Clearwater Revival
 * Starman - David Bowie
 * Substitute - The Who
 * Sunny Afternoon - The Kinks
 * Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These - Eurythmics
 * Take Me Home Country Roads - John Denver
 * The Power Of Love - Huey Lewis And The News
 * The Rising - Bruce Springsteen
 * Thriller - Michael Jackson
 * TIE Fighter Attack - John Williams
 * Time In A Bottle - Jim Croce
 * Toe The Line - The Bunkers
 * Tu Es Partout - Edith Piaf
 * Walk All Over You - ACDC
 * Waterloo Sunset - The Kinks
 * Weltraum Surfen - The Comet Tails
 * Who Are You - The Who
 * Whole Lotta Rosie (Paris 1979 edition) - ACDC
 * You Don't Mess Around With Jim - Jim Croce
 * You Really Got Me - The Kinks
 * Zug Nach Hamburg - Die Schaferhunde
 * (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones
 * 50 Ways To Say Goodbye - Train