THE GOLLUM ROAST

Hey Gollum...

I bet you think we're pals, just cause we chat online. I bet you think we're totally e-friends, just cause we're admins.

Well, guess what.

I HATE BEING AN ADMIN. And I hate you too.

This is the roast of the infamous Gollum. Prepare to get flamed, precious.


 * Gollum, you think you're so great, but in reality, you're just a cynical, sarcastic kid who makes such a big deal out of everything.
 * You see that Big Nate is going down the tubes. You see that you've found yourself spamming. And what do you do? You run away. You don't even try to make things better.
 * You're fascinated with war - one of the worst things that could ever happen to our planet.
 * You said in your article that you eat up trolling. That puts you at a worse position than the old MartySays.
 * You wanna know why everybody makes such a big deal over polls now? You poll war article. Talk about exaggeration.
 * "Community Talk." Code for "poll."
 * You tried to expose Hev1 as a troll. This was your focus for weeks and weeks. Do you even have a life?
 * You actually have the gall to shamelessly self promote your website on the wiki. Nothing grinds my gears more.
 * I will give you credit, though, for putting on this great act of getting people to like you.
 * You think people are as smart as you are. But not everybody can keep up! And you get totally exasperated with us when we're slow. Tell me, who is using the family brain cell at the moment?
 * Girls appears about five times under your likes. Again, do you even have a life?
 * You think your cynicism is funny? You think what you say is enjoyable? I censor your comments whenever I go on the wiki!
 * Whenever you get an "idea," I feel like punching my computer screen.
 * Speaking of punching, you think MartySays had the punchable profile pics? Look at this.Screenshot 2017-11-20 19.21.23.png just wanna make me wipe that smirk off your face with your own brodie helmet.
 * You have your own fanbase. So why do you hate Hev1's?
 * You think you're an excellent writer. Yeah, I almost deleted your profile page at one point.
 * See this?Screenshot 2017-06-26 19.01.29.png, those glasses make you look like a meme.
 * What am I saying? YOU ARE A MEME!
 * You think you're the most popular commenter? Well, if you ask me, you've taken our spot in our rogues gallery!
 * JimNat, Mrs. Godfrey, the old ComedyMe, and the old MartySays... you're right up there with them!
 * When are you ever going to lose the cynicism, get a life and shape up what you thought was the cool guy in the comments?!
 * CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!
 * Gollum.... More like "Fall-um."

That's right. You just got roasted. Now what are you gonna do about it?

Okay, that's enough of that. Boy, I hope I didn't botch that too bad. To any of you who actually made it to the bottom of this page, this is not to be taken seriously. This is a joke. Gollum is one of the best commenters in the comment section and I could not be more prouder to call myself his e-friend. I will never, ever actually mean any of what I just said in that roast. If this was actually offending, I apologize, Gollum. You are the best e-friend I will ever have, and I hope we stay that way for a long time. Gollum brought something special to the comment section, and it really opened up my eyes. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was Gollum who brought me this far. He was one of the commenters I enjoyed taking with the most, even more so then my friend LeadingEdge. He will always hold a special place within me, as the friend I will never see in person, yet I am so glad I met him. Thanks for being the best e-friend ever, man.

And Gollum, feel free to retaliate if you want. :-]